Friday, April 17, 2009

Eat More Cows. Please.


I live in a small industrial town called Emeryville. With just over 8,000 people, most outsiders don't even know that it exists. But it feels huge! If I spit north, I'll hit Berkeley. If I spit south, Oakland. If I spit west, San Francisco. We are sandwiched between those huge cities with no indication of a change in city borders (besides that giant bridge that separates me from S.F.). People just driving through would have no idea that it was there, they would just think it was part of Oakland. That's why I still feel like I live in the big city. In fact, to people who don't live around here, I just tell them I live in Oakland when they ask. To people who live very far away and aren't even sure where Oakland is, I just tell them I live in San Francisco. Very rarely will I ever just tell people that I'm from Berkeley, and this is why:

Berkeley (or as I call it, Berzerkeley) is the hippy-est, most tree-huggingest, granola-eatingest, pot-smokingest town in the world. I went to downtown Berk today to do some t-shirt browsing, and I was getting a second hand high from marijuana smoke. In Berkeley protesting is not only a sport, it's a lifestyle. I think they also hold the record in the "Most peaceful protests turned violent" category. People there will protest ANYTHING. It's a cloudy day today . . . protest! And, quite often, their protests are not thought out very thoroughly. Their protests are embarrassingly counterproductive, and the only point they prove is that their idea has not developed past infancy. No joke; people actually LIVED IN TREES for YEARS when the city wanted to bulldoze them to build a rec center. I'm not so much dumbfounded at the fact that people actually lived in trees to protest than by the fact that the city didn't pull them out, and instead allowed them to throw a tantrum, and waste years of their life doing nothing worth doing. When the city finally threw them out, they were forced to get a life which means getting a job. Could you imagine sitting in an interview after that? It would go something like this:

"I noticed that there is a 2 year break in your job history. Why is that?"
"Oh, yeah, I was living in a tree."

I did see something today in Berzerkeley that I thought was hilarious. But first some background; Berkeley is extremely liberal and that's an understatement. If I even hinted that I was a conservative while walking the streets there, I would be lynched. However, today I saw a man begging for money. He was holding a sign that read "If you voted for Obama, you owe me some change." I just had to say outloud, "Sorry, I didn't vote for Obama." Now, I'm not completely heartless. I would give the man some money, if I had some myself. But, last I checked, most homeless people don't accept debit cards. Anyway, after I stated, outloud, in Berkeley, that I didn't vote for their great deliverer of all things Bush, Obama, I immediately realized my folly and feared for my life. But no one gave me more than a harsh glance. Granted, I don't think very many people actually heard me, but I started to think, "Are people, even Berzerkeley people, realizing that Obama's promises of change are hollow?" When it comes down to it, I really doubt that Berkeleyers would ever cease to live up to their melodramatic liberal reputation, even if it was blatantly harebrained to the rest of the nation to do so.

Anyway, I promised that I wouldn't dwell too much on political things, so I want to change gears and talk about something much more hilarious. The other day I overheard a conversation between a meat eater and a vegetarian (no, this is not the beginning of a joke). The vegetarian was saying that he chose to be a vegetarian so that he could protest farms and beef factories that emit large amounts of pollution into the air from machinery, factories, etc. He stated that, "Believe it or not, the most pollution from cow farms comes from cow flatulence." Now, I don't think that I believe that, but if that guy really believes that it's true, then his protestation is completely misdirected. Swing and a miss. Lo and behold, he was from Berkeley, so he couldn't help himself from protesting something so asenine. I know that there are some vegetarians who are reading this, and let me just stop the proverbial foot from entering my mouth; if you chose to be a vegetarian because you felt it was healthier and/or an overall better diet for you, then more power to you. I have nothing against that. But, if you're a vegetarian because you are protesting cow farts, let me tell you what's wrong with what you are doing:

Well, I set this up like I'm about to give a long explanation. On the contrary, just let me conclude with the words that I heard from the rest of this compelling conversation. The meat eater said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Veggy-man got defensive and replied, "Well, what are YOU doing to help the ozone?!" Meat eater said EXACTLY what I was thinking," Well, I'm eating the cows! Less cows, less cow farts." Der! I mean, what was going through that guy's head (and other people's heads, too, I'm sure)? "Cows are polluting our air, so I'm going to stop eating them!" Did he think that they would fart less if they weren't so paranoid? All he's doing is allowing another cow to see another day and pollute our air with badly digested hay stank. That's like saying, "I'm going to save my money by living off a credit card for the next 2 years." All he's doing is exacerbating (that's right, I said "exacerbating") the problem, which for all I know is a fabricated problem anyway. And I know that he wouldn't condone a forced extinction on cows, because another weird quirck about most Berkeleyers is that they seem to value the life of animals more than the life of humans. I know, I don't get it either. But now, my question is: How much of the Earth's pollution is caused from human flatulence?

9 comments:

  1. Actually, I have heard the cow farts produce quite a lot of pollution. Maybe you're right, though, if they weren't in fear of being eaten, maybe they wouldn't fart so much. I know I fart a lot more when I'm nervous!

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  3. I finally agree with you on every point! I don't care if I am mean, because readers of your blog have no idea who the crap I am (go ahead, Google "Kevin Phair". You will either find the guy on the east coast or the guy in Ireland. Not me.) So I have to tell you that I hate those stickers people put in their windows "In case of a fire please save my:" And then they put a number next to each type of animal they have. "2 Dogs" "5 Cats" "7 birds"

    Really? That's the thanks our firefighters get? Not only did they save your sorry life but now you want them to go back inside your burning double-wide trailer that will collapse any second to risk their lives rescuing pets that you don't even take care of in the first place? (That was a really long sentence, but I never really was good at writing.)

    I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said, "Have you kids eaten today? HUG A FARMER." And I thought, what if all my kid ate today were twinkies and SPAM? The bumper sticker should then read, "Have your kids eaten today? HUG A CHEMIST!"

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  4. I've heard a simular argument about that cow fart thing. My old boss, Felix, tried to convince me that if I stopped eating meat the world would reach peace. He said that we would save a lot of money because of what it costs to kill a cow. I wonder what we would do with all the cows if they weren't in our tummies.

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  5. I have to add that I have also heard that a good deal of methane gas is released into the air via cow farts, but I don't believe it is nearly as harmful as some of the other stuff being released into the air (like people farts). Good blog, by the way. You use such big words in such good ways, I'm almost intimidated!

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  6. i love reading these blogs, makes me laugh every time.

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  7. why are we attacking cow farts? weren't they farting long before the ozone got a hole in it? then why are we blaming them now? Sorry to show my ignorance, but I thought the ozone hole issue was because of the chemicals we were putting in the air due to machinery? (like gas from cars.) wouldn't it be better for the environment to switch everyone to bikes? blaming cow farts seems like a poorly constructed band-aid.

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  8. How hilarious! Why just cow farts? What creatures are there on this earth that are not relieving their gas bubbles on a regular basis. I wonder if that vegetarian was saying that he doesn't fart at all...right!!!
    I am proud to do my part by eating more beef...even though I really do prefer pork, but then, they fart also, right?

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  9. Okay, seriously: "I noticed that there is a 2 year break in your job history. Why is that?"
    "Oh, yeah, I was living in a tree."...funniest thing second to cow farts and vegetarians...that I've heard in a while. <3 it!

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