Friday, April 17, 2009

Eat More Cows. Please.

I live in a small industrial town called Emeryville. With just over 8,000 people, most outsiders don't even know that it exists. But it feels huge! If I spit north, I'll hit Berkeley. If I spit south, Oakland. If I spit west, San Francisco. We are sandwiched between those huge cities with no indication of a change in city borders (besides that giant bridge that separates me from S.F.). People just driving through would have no idea that it was there, they would just think it was part of Oakland. That's why I still feel like I live in the big city. In fact, to people who don't live around here, I just tell them I live in Oakland when they ask. To people who live very far away and aren't even sure where Oakland is, I just tell them I live in San Francisco. Very rarely will I ever just tell people that I'm from Berkeley, and this is why:

Berkeley (or as I call it, Berzerkeley) is the hippy-est, most tree-huggingest, granola-eatingest, pot-smokingest town in the world. I went to downtown Berk today to do some t-shirt browsing, and I was getting a second hand high from marijuana smoke. In Berkeley protesting is not only a sport, it's a lifestyle. I think they also hold the record in the "Most peaceful protests turned violent" category. People there will protest ANYTHING. It's a cloudy day today . . . protest! And, quite often, their protests are not thought out very thoroughly. Their protests are embarrassingly counterproductive, and the only point they prove is that their idea has not developed past infancy. No joke; people actually LIVED IN TREES for YEARS when the city wanted to bulldoze them to build a rec center. I'm not so much dumbfounded at the fact that people actually lived in trees to protest than by the fact that the city didn't pull them out, and instead allowed them to throw a tantrum, and waste years of their life doing nothing worth doing. When the city finally threw them out, they were forced to get a life which means getting a job. Could you imagine sitting in an interview after that? It would go something like this:

"I noticed that there is a 2 year break in your job history. Why is that?"
"Oh, yeah, I was living in a tree."

I did see something today in Berzerkeley that I thought was hilarious. But first some background; Berkeley is extremely liberal and that's an understatement. If I even hinted that I was a conservative while walking the streets there, I would be lynched. However, today I saw a man begging for money. He was holding a sign that read "If you voted for Obama, you owe me some change." I just had to say outloud, "Sorry, I didn't vote for Obama." Now, I'm not completely heartless. I would give the man some money, if I had some myself. But, last I checked, most homeless people don't accept debit cards. Anyway, after I stated, outloud, in Berkeley, that I didn't vote for their great deliverer of all things Bush, Obama, I immediately realized my folly and feared for my life. But no one gave me more than a harsh glance. Granted, I don't think very many people actually heard me, but I started to think, "Are people, even Berzerkeley people, realizing that Obama's promises of change are hollow?" When it comes down to it, I really doubt that Berkeleyers would ever cease to live up to their melodramatic liberal reputation, even if it was blatantly harebrained to the rest of the nation to do so.

Anyway, I promised that I wouldn't dwell too much on political things, so I want to change gears and talk about something much more hilarious. The other day I overheard a conversation between a meat eater and a vegetarian (no, this is not the beginning of a joke). The vegetarian was saying that he chose to be a vegetarian so that he could protest farms and beef factories that emit large amounts of pollution into the air from machinery, factories, etc. He stated that, "Believe it or not, the most pollution from cow farms comes from cow flatulence." Now, I don't think that I believe that, but if that guy really believes that it's true, then his protestation is completely misdirected. Swing and a miss. Lo and behold, he was from Berkeley, so he couldn't help himself from protesting something so asenine. I know that there are some vegetarians who are reading this, and let me just stop the proverbial foot from entering my mouth; if you chose to be a vegetarian because you felt it was healthier and/or an overall better diet for you, then more power to you. I have nothing against that. But, if you're a vegetarian because you are protesting cow farts, let me tell you what's wrong with what you are doing:

Well, I set this up like I'm about to give a long explanation. On the contrary, just let me conclude with the words that I heard from the rest of this compelling conversation. The meat eater said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Veggy-man got defensive and replied, "Well, what are YOU doing to help the ozone?!" Meat eater said EXACTLY what I was thinking," Well, I'm eating the cows! Less cows, less cow farts." Der! I mean, what was going through that guy's head (and other people's heads, too, I'm sure)? "Cows are polluting our air, so I'm going to stop eating them!" Did he think that they would fart less if they weren't so paranoid? All he's doing is allowing another cow to see another day and pollute our air with badly digested hay stank. That's like saying, "I'm going to save my money by living off a credit card for the next 2 years." All he's doing is exacerbating (that's right, I said "exacerbating") the problem, which for all I know is a fabricated problem anyway. And I know that he wouldn't condone a forced extinction on cows, because another weird quirck about most Berkeleyers is that they seem to value the life of animals more than the life of humans. I know, I don't get it either. But now, my question is: How much of the Earth's pollution is caused from human flatulence?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

MTV is now NMTVA.

Check out my take on the latest Fast and Furious movie in my two previous posts if you haven't already.

Does anyone else think that reality television is getting way out of hand? I'm telling you, I honestly feel myself getting dumber as I watch it, and it's just so easy for me to get sucked in! You see, I have an abnormally large corpus callosum and the result is intense cognitive dissonance that somehow makes me attracted to things while they are simultaneously bothering me, so when I see bratty, egotistical and un-deserving people always getting their way on t.v. I have to watch, even though it makes me very angry. (I used a lot of big words! That's fun. Don't think I'm smart, I've done a lot of study about the human brain, but I don't know much about anything else. I don't even really know if all of that is true about me, it's just the best explanation I've come up with after doctors have repeatedly told me, "We simply don't know what's wrong with your head. That will be $2,648.")

It used to be that reality shows had to have catchy names to rope in an audience, and then they would use the scantily-clad airheads in their commercials to sell the sex to those who were too dumb to catch on to the cleverness of the show title. But, I've found that producers are getting lazier. There is a reality show on MTV that is called "Hot Girls in Scary Places." This is not a joke. Talk about cutting to the chase! No catchy name, just a blunt selling point; hot girls. Hmm, I wonder what that show is about? Who cares!? Hot girls equals me watching! Someone get me a beer.

Speaking of MTV, I freaken hate it. When I was a youngster, growing up in the hood of Pocatello, I was interested in music videos. That explains why I do what I do today. My parents never had cable television in their home, so whenever I would go to a friend's house, I would turn on MTV and watch music videos all day long. A friend of mine taped MTV for a few hours and gave it to me so that I had my very own music videos that I could watch at home. That's what MTV used to do: show music videos. Afterall, MTV is an acronym for "Music Television." I dare you to turn on MTV today and watch it for a whole 24 hour period*. Do you know how many music videos you will see? Zero. Do you know how many lame reality shows you will see? 24. And some of their reality shows feature old, washed up "celebrities" acting like children. It has nothing to do with music. Sure, sometimes their "celebrity" is a musician, but you won't ever see them play music except from their ipod equipped Escalade while they are driving to Target to buy toilet paper. Who cares!? I don't want to watch an adult throw a temper tantrum in public, go home and watch t.v. and then argue with his wife about where they're going to put their new pool-sized hot tub. MTV should change their name to NMTV (NOT Music Television . . . anymore . . . NMTVA). And their slogan should be, "Watch what washed-up celebs will do when they are desperate for cash."
(*I actually do not recommend watching MTV for 24 hours straight. Many have experienced side-effects such as: shortened memory span, forgetting to eat, forgetting to breath, and having a terribly skewed perception of reality.)

I hate shows like American Idol, The Apprentice, Next Top Model, or any other show that gives it's winner some type of career-based contract. I feel like it undermines those who actually work hard at their education, career, and talents by allowing someone to walk into a position of "power" for the sake of entertainment. Pretty soon the job interview will be obsolete. In it's place, a job seeker will compete with other job seekers in a number of mental and physical challenges in front of a television crew. "Who will be America's next top brain surgeon? Tune in next week to see who gains immunity and who is eliminated by the others."

"Will Tom's agility in the physical challenge give him the edge over the other's in the race to be the next Wal-Mart associate?" Then, when it is down to the final 5 contestants, the viewers will call a 1-800 number to vote for the person they think is most qualified. "I don't like that guy's attitude, I would hate to have him ring up my soda, so I'm going to vote for the other guy." (Do you like my random, conjectural quotes? I'm assuming you can still follow my thought processes.)

How awful would it be if they made a reality show to choose the next president of the U.S.? Oh wait, no one would watch that show. There are more important things to worry about. For instance, who, please tell me WHO will be Paris Hilton's new BFF!?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Check out this hilarious video. It backs up everything that I previously said about the Fast and Furious movie.