Thursday, December 15, 2011

If you can't do this, then you're dumb dumb dumb.

This is the time of year that I think about the namby-pamby movement of sissies known as the politically correct crusaders. They want the actions of everyone around them to be catered to their fragile feelings because, sadly, they never mentally matured passed the 3-year-old temper tantrum phase. Instead of making passive-aggressive blog posts directed at them while they cry a river, I decided that, hey, they just might be onto something in this movement that seeks to crush all ideological diversity. So I've jumped on the bandwagon, and I have big plans. Ultimately, I want to be able to celebrate Hanukkah without the inconvenience of actually being Jewish. I mean, 8 days of presents sounds pretty sweet, right? If atheists can hop on the Christmas celebration train without believing in Christ, then why can't I also crash the holiday shindigs of other religions regardless of their blatant inconsistency to my own beliefs? I'll definitely have to put a stop to the recited blessings and menorah candles business because that makes me uncomfortable in contrast to the whole Son of God thing that I believe. But, I digress. People are still too scared to boss the Jews around like they do the Christians (for now), so I'll start small, yet think big. I'm outside of the box on this one because this nonsense can really be applied to anything that is public.

In an effort to be more politically correct, I've written a letter to Melissa Rosenburg and Stephanie Meyer, the creators of the Twilight movies: *ahem*

Dear Melissa and Stephanie, creators of the Twilight movies, summoners of tween euphoria, or Phil (because we should be able to call you whatever name we believe you're called),

Your movies are terrible. Yet, they are wildly popular. I know that some people really love them, and have anticipated their release for several months prior. Now, I want to be involved in the rampant enthusiasm, but I just keep coming back to: your movies are terrible. But what do you want me to do? Not watch them? That would be social suicide. I have some suggestions that would make these movies better for everyone regardless of age, race, gender, species, and religion.

Firstly, drop the whole vampire thing. Seriously, vampires are supposed to be scary, but pre-pubescent awkward teen love stories already scare me for different reasons, and the vampire bit is just superfluous after that. And I just don't believe in vampires, nor am I interested in joining your vampire fantasy camp. And if I'm going to participate in something in which I don't really have good reason to participate, you're going to have to be sensitive to my feelings. Maybe we could call them "nocturnal anemic Americans" instead. Yes, that's much more inviting, and actually begs for us to be more sympathetic towards them. "Vampire" is just so derogatory.

Then, lets see some more adult content. Foul language, blood, gore, nudity (except for that pudgy Edward guy), drugs, car chases, mid-air fight scenes, explosions, etc. However, this will not be an R rated movie because that would exclude anyone under 17 from being able to see it and that kind of exclusion is an enemy to political correctivenessity. Instead, you should adopt the video game industry's "E for Everyone" rating. That way we exclude no one and no touchy person will have their feelings hurt.

And last, seriously, drop the vampire thing. I know it's kind of the FOUNDATION of your movie and all, but remember: I want to watch the movie and I don't believe in vampires.

A hopeful future Twilight fan

Seriously, atheists--if you made your own holiday to celebrate your atheism I wouldn't care. However, I wouldn't join in your celebration because I don't share that belief with you. Furthermore, I wouldn't try to force you to make your celebration more Christian friendly so that I could join. That would be . . . what's the word? Selfish.