The fast and the spurious?

I've always wondered, who honestly thought that a girly man like Matt Damon could pull off the lead role in an action-thriller?

That has nearly nothing to do with what I want to talk about.

Today, the new Fast and Furious movie came out. It's gotta be number 6 at least, I lost count! I watched the first one, and I laughed pretty hard. Then, I realized it wasn't a comedy, just a crappy movie. For any of you who haven't seen it, let me give you a quick synopsis:

New guy in town drives fast car; old guy in town feels threatened, old guy's woman smiles at new guy, old guy gets angry at woman; the only logical way to settle dispute is to race; for some reason during the race an 18-wheeler explodes; they drive fast past a bus (never understood that); at least one random person does a wheeley in their car; one racer is apparently also a physics expert as he is able to drive his car at just the right rate of speed, analyzing perfect trajectory to squeeze underneath a burning tanker as it flips on the ground toward them (why doesn't he just drive around it? Where'd it come from anyway?); two attractive women make out with each other for no reason; the aforementioned women somehow pull away from each other to balance on top of a speeding car and jump on top of the other one, just to distract the driver; more cars flip in the air for no apparent reason; guns are fired arbitrarily (I never knew what they were shooting at); explosions are happening in the far background that probably have nothing to do with the movie; somehow, a hot chick finds herself on top of a skyscraper, and she is inclined to jump from building to building (again, for no apparent reason); Then, two people fall from the building and fight in mid-air. And the stupidest thing of all . . . most of the fast cars (or are they furious cars?) are Hondas. The only cars on the show that are actually fast (Camaros, Mustangs, etc, etc) are usually defeated . . . by freaken Hondas.

If you want to know how the 4 sequels are, read that synopsis again. Now, a trailer for the new movie has made it's way, uninvited onto my t.v. screen. Here's my sum of the trailer:

New guy in town drives fast car; old guy in town feels threatened, old guy's woman smiles at new guy, old guy gets angry at woman; the only logical way to settle dispute is to race; for some reason during the race an 18-wheeler explodes; they drive fast past a bus (never understood that); at least one random person does a wheeley in their car; one racer is apparently also a physics expert as he is able to drive his car at just the right rate . . .

Do I really need to go over this again? Ironically, the first spoken line in the new trailer is, "A lot has changed." That's hilarious!

As I left the theater after that first movie I wondered to myself, who actually believed that? It was so bogus! But something strange began to happen around P-town (Pocatello, ID): over the next few months, I started to see an influx of young teenagers buying Hondas and turning them into fast and furious cars! These kids thought they were soooo cool in their new rides. I always thought they were posers. They wouldn't do any modifications on their engines or anything else to improve performance. In short, they had a stock inline four cylinder engine underneath a brightly painted car, with a 300 pound spoiler bolted on the back, and a large muffler tip extension that would echo the sound of the muffler to make it SOUND faster (I always called it a coffee can). That is, if I could hear it over their dual 100 pound subwoofers and other heavy sound equipment. All the "modifications" they did to their Hondas actually made them slower. Then they always acted so surprised when they would lose a race to an actual sports car.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say about this. I just wish that whoever is responsible for the Fast and Furious series would move on and actually do something creative. Y'know, at least come up with some other plotline. The way it stands now, it seems like the creater was sitting in his mansion one day and realized that he was almost out of money, so he decided to make another sequel. And a few months later it's done because he didn't have to put much thought into the story. Maybe it's partly because I'm jealous. I've often thought to myself that I would be okay with making a Hollywood flop. A flop is considered a movie that makes less than 20 million dollars. I'd be fine with that! I just haven't found the right society of posers to cater to yet.