Rainbows and Stickers and Ponies and Myspace!

Hello, Blogdom! I'm sorry to have neglected you for so long. I was away from the land of Blogdom on a business trip to Reality. Actually, I've checked out of Reality for quite some time now, but getting back on the blog train is hard sometimes. I have received mountains of fan mail, filled with urgent wishes that I again grace you with my wit and beautifully constructed sentences. As one fan stated, "your words are like the air I breathe."*
*I have never received any fan mail, and I'm pretty sure that no more than 8 people (at best) even read this.

I have been thinking about things I do now, that I once thought I would never do. Let me expound on a few:

I never thought that I would ever join an online social networking site, yet many of you are here because my Facebook status beckoned you here like a melodious mermaid. The way I saw it before, social networking sites were an outlet for ego-driven people to inflate their self image for . . . who? Other ego-driven people on the same site, doing the same thing. People I knew, on Myspace in particular, spent the majority of their time on their own profile page making sure it looked good for their friends. But, their friends never saw their profile page because they were too busy making their profile page look good. It's like a hamster wheel of narcissism. I never wanted to join the sites, because it reminded me of talking to a girl that you're on a date with who spends the entire time doing her make-up in a compact mirror when all you want to do is have a conversation.

Then you get the "friend padders", the ones who will arbitrarily add people to their friends list just so it appears as though they are actually popular. And the people they are requesting to be friends with are just as insecure as them, so of course they will accept. It benefits both parties. But, seriously, who really has 3,000 friends?

So why did I join the world of Facebook, you ask? Well, after moving 1,000 miles away from home, I soon discovered that it was a great way to stay in contact with really good friends and especially my family. But, I still have encounters with the people I was just talking about. I finally cracked down on it and deleted some "friends". One day, I was reading the status update of one of my Facebook "friends" when I realized that I had no idea who that person is. I checked her profile page and discovered that she had well over 3,000 friends. I don't remember requesting her friendship, and I don't remember accepting her request to be my friend. I commented on her status the following: "I just realized that I have no idea who you are. I don't want to look stupid if you happen to be a long lost cousin of mine, but my memory is failing me. Please tell me how you know me, and if you don't know me, I'm going to respectively exclude you from my personal life." Ok, I didn't say those exact words, but pretty close. She never responded, I deleted her. I hardly ever request friendship anymore because I'm pretty much friends with everyone that I'm actually friends with in real life. Occasionally, I get the friend request, and it's often from a person that I know, but I only know them from some obscure recollection and I hardly would give them a courtesy smile on the street. I usually neither accept or ignore their request so that it leaves them in a sort of Facebook purgatory.

I did my own experiment. I created another Facebook account with a fictional person, and I started randomly sending friend requests to complete strangers. Within a day, I had hundreds of friends. But, facebook has a rule against requesting too many people within a certain period of time, so I lost interest quickly. After some time, I decided to go back onto my made up person's account and see what was happening in made-up land. A funny thing happened: My made up character had about 20 friend requests of his own! And these requests were from the stereotypical social networkers whose profile picture is a photo of a mirror reflection with them wearing skimpy clothing (if they're females) or with their shirt off completely (if they're males). I thought it was hilarious. I accepted their friendships and came back a few days later, and had a few more requests! I finally decided that enough is enough, and I started to ask the requesters if they had any idea who I was. Most of them responded by using very obscene language and insulted my mother. Real classy, right? But they didn't know that my fictional person's mother died while giving birth, so the joke is on them.

Status updates on facebook seriously get out of hand. I don't need to know every inane thought that you have. I don't need to know how long you just pooped. I don't really care what you had for dinner unless it's really unique. Let's be creative here! I especially hate the melodramatic, yet ambiguously depressing statuses, like "When will my life no longer be a living hell?" To me, it seems like a cry for attention, and Facebook just isn't the venue for wrangling attention, because most everyone is preoccupied with their own attention grabbing frenzy. And now that you can update your status from your phone, it has become even more senseless: "I'm on a date with my wife and we are having dinner at a nice restaurant right now. -Via Facebook for Blackberry-" Well, I bet your wife would love it if you put your phone in your pocket during your dinner date. Maybe she's doing her make-up or something. Then there's the status like, "I just broke my arm!" Well, then get off the freaken computer and go to the doctor! I'll admit, I abuse this one a lot. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by my status updates, and I often use them for self-promotion or for single sentence political blogging. But, hey, it got you here, right? Luckily I don't have a Facebook app on my phone or else I'd really embarrass myself. But at the same time, the Facebook home page feels like a giant room where everyone is yelling and trying to be heard over everyone else, so I know that my statuses just get lost in the crowd.

Speaking of self-inflicted embarrassment, I never, ever thought that I would start a blog. To me, a blog was a means by which self-proclaimed political revolutionaries tried to recruit anyone who would help them push their ideals and fight against "the man". I hate to admit that I have blogged about political issues which is the very reason I hated blogs in the first place. And just to warn you, I have been cooking up one very good political blog that I will undoubtedly unleash on the world very soon. Yeah, usually my blogs are written in one night, but this one is actually taking some time and thought! I can't help it, sorry. Actually, I am trying to convince myself not to do it. One thing I learned when I was a writer for my high school newspaper was that when you write about politics, no one reads your article. And I know some of my high school friends are saying to themselves, "Mike was on the high school newspaper staff?" My point exactly. Actually, once I realized that no one was reading my articles, I wrote this completely insane, tin foil hat conspiracy article about UFO's which got quite a bit of attention. Now my high school friends are saying, "Oh yeah, he WAS on the newspaper staff!"

The next one I absolutely hate to admit, but you were bound to find out sometime soon anyway. I . . . have . . . Twitter. Yes, Twitter. The stupidest social networking site to come into existence so far. Let me attempt to save my dignity: I realized that Twitter is a good business tool when used right. I use it to follow businesses who are going to be releasing certain merchandise at any minute. I follow bands who can update me on new music. And most valuable to me is that I follow certain politicians who are making very important decisions concerning my future. If any of you out there have twitter, do not follow me, because I won't ever tweet. I didn't join so that I could tell you where I am and what I'm doing every second of the day. I did it to stay informed on issues that are important to me. I don't even want to know what other people are doing. I was following one of my favorite musicians. One of his tweets was "I'm taking my kids to school." Woo hoo, you and millions of other people. Delete. Seeing Twitter in light of business, and being one who is currently working on opening a business myself, I saw it as a way to eventually keep my future clients informed. So, yes I have Twitter, but I still don't quite understand it. I mean, what was the motive behind it? "Let's take the most annoying thing about Facebook, and make it the ONLY feature on Twitter." Anyway, one of my friends has already found me on Twitter and is following me. I won't name any names, but his name rhymes with Hike Maycock (don't worry, Mike, I think you're the only one that reads my blog these days). I have to admit also that I have tweeted before. One of the politicians that I follow is Barack Obama. I don't really know why I decided to follow him, I think it's because I like being upset all of the time. Or perhaps I secretly hope that he will invite me to one of his many cocktail parties at "The House" one of these days. But, I think I already blew my chance for that because I've tweeted some pretty mean things to him. Well, not mean, but, you know, "listen to the people, we don't want your stupid Obamacare," or "Barack, stop spending money" sort of things. Just trying to get my voice heard, which is a very difficult thing to do with this administration. Oops, there I go again, I'd better stop. Anyway, I really don't think that my tweets will ever be seen by Barack eyes anyway, so it's futile. Besides, if I want to enjoy a beer with Barack, all I have to do is appear to mistreat a black guy. But, on the plus side, I've picked up the lingo quite well, right? "Tweets" and such.

Anyway, the thing that always bugged me and still bugs me about all these social sites, is the amount of time one spends on them. Just so you know, I'm not singling anyone out except myself (but if you're feeling guilty perhaps you should think twice!). The reason a lot of these things bother me is because I find myself spending precious time doing them! I'm like a bug who can't resist the blue light of the bug zapper. Yes, I am guilty of indulging my life a bit on Facebook. I've done my share of stupid status updates. I've spent irreplaceable time doing quizzes, then passing them onto my friends (and I hate it when that happens to me, by the way). I've blogged about radical political conspiracies and hate-mongering. I've used the word "tweet". It's embarrassing, but there you go. My ambivalence is shooting myself in the foot, but as the saying goes, if life gives you melons, you just might be dyslexic.

The Internet: One of the world's most intelligent inventions is being taken over by morons.

Today, when I should have been working, I was looking on Craigslist for surfboards. I came upon this listing:

"ok all you cheap sucks,,ive got the deal you are looking for,,iam quiting surfing,,too many geek-kooks,like you,,,yes you,,messing up even the hard to get to surf spots,,so nows is your chance to own some surf history,,buy a old surfboard from me ,,,feel good about being GREEN,? cause your recycling some plastic crap,,i get your cash,,which is really holding you back from true enlightment,,so heres the deal,,,i give you a crappy old surfboard,,you give me money,,its just money,theres more in the trust-fund,,/moneymarket-fund mommy and daddy give you every month,,so bust loose,,impress your freinds,,if you have any?oph do i seem bitter,,,yes iam?!! but that is not the point,,you really want to give me your $$,,it will make your meaningless life seem worthwhile for a short time,,,then ill sell you another peice of plastic ,which you will admire,like you have found the fricking HOLY GRAIL,,see its a win -win deal,,you feel better about your sad life,,,i walk away with cash,,call NOW-NOW"

So, before I move on, I wish to mention that the only changes I made to this was to take out all the expletives (my mother reads my blog, so . . .), but even in doing that, I never added or took away any other words, which just goes to show that the expletives were sprinkled in this ad willy-nilly in the first place, and taking them out made no difference whatsoever. Besides taking out some colorful language, this ad is exactly how I saw it, cut and paste, voila! Now, I wish to point out some subtle nuances that you may have easily missed. First off, I am a big stickler for good spelling. This person (who shall remain nameless since I don't know his name) always spelled "I am" as one word: "iam". Not even an apostraphe anywhere in that paragraph. Whenever I saw that, I always wanted to pronounce it like "aim". Also, this guy obviously never learned the old rhyme: " 'i' before 'e', except after 'c'." Now, I could spend hours picking on his misspellings, but I'll let you do that so that I can move on. But first, I want to pick out just a couple other hilarities from this post. I like that there are no periods anywhere. Also, what is "true enlightment," as opposed to "true enlightENment"? I love it how he says "do i seem bitter?" And then he says "yes iam?!!" He adds the question mark as though he's not sure himself if he's actually bitter or not. Obviously, the Holy Grail comment is hilarious, but my absolute favorite nugget from this posting is this line: "feel good about being GREEN,? cause your recycling some plastic crap (note the "your" instead of "you're")." That line takes the cake! Sadly, the surfboards really were ridiculously cheap, but I wasn't sure if this guy was joking or not, so I never called. Even more sad, I wouldn't have had enough money to buy his ridiculously cheap board from him anyway, and he probably would have made fun of me, to my face, for hours.

Many of you who know me well know that I love to debate. But, when I debate, I completely disconnect myself from any emotion and attempt to tackle topics with pure logic. What took me some time to realize is that not everyone can disconnect their emotions that way. Consequently, I have lost some friends, or upset missionary companions in the wake of a debate because I was coming off as caloused or insensitive. Seriously, I feel bad about it, but I never realized I was doing it. I'm more careful now. So, I want to make a disclaimer to any one of my friends that might be reading this. I only get into those types of debates with people that I am comfortable with. If I'm not completely comfortable with you, I'm not going to debate with you about subjects that are important to you, because I am honestly conscientious of your feelings, and the last thing I want to do is offend you. So there are a few of you out there (and you know who you are) that I will rip into verbally with no mercy, but, in all reality, it's just cheap entertainment for me. Debating stimulates my mind, and it feels good sometimes to dislodge my hunky mass of a brain and allow it to wander. Sounds lame, but it seriously feels like my brain is getting some fresh air after being locked away in my thick skull.

So, where am I going with this? Well, like most of my blogs, I am about to reveal some very embarrassing secrets about myself.

This is how nerdy I am: Sometimes, I will get online, either to a forum or a chatroom, and I will find people to debate with. This all started out when I realized that there wasn't really anyone close by that I could have a battle of wits with, so, like a shut-in, I turned to the captivating light of the LCD screen. I first tried to find where the smart people were. I figured it would be good for me to take a verbal lashing and lose epically, you know, to make me stronger. But, the more I looked, the more I realized that smart people must have more fulfilling lives than me, because I could only find people dumber than I ever could have imagined. And then it became a sport!

This is where I really do sound like I'm calloused and insensitive. But, here goes anyway! When I go into a chatroom, I will usually sit there for a few good minutes and observe. I pick the dumbest person I can find, but not just any dumb person. I pick the dumb person who thinks he knows everything. You know the kind I'm talking about! I'll take one sentence this person says, and come back with a rebuttle. It doesn't even matter if I agree with the guy or not. I've debated on the pro side for things I'm actually con about many times. I've even debated trivial things, like: Peanut Butter; crunchy or smooth? Now, I'm not mean, or insulting when I debate. All I do is present logic, facts, and try to turn his own words against him. And it's hilarious to watch their frustration build! I know that I've had a monumental victory when they start insulting me, which is a very fleeting indulgence, because it usually happens in less than a minute after the debate began. I can't think of one time that I actually had a calm, intelligent debate with a stranger online, it always explodes into a mushroom cloud of hilarity.

Most often I just go to forums and find a comment someone posted that I disagree with, post my rebuttle, and wait several hours before they find it and rebut back. It's a much slower process, but much more funny. And I just have to say that the dumbest people I've ever debated with online are YouTubers. Before all the YouTubers get offended, just know that I'm a YouTuber also (in fact, I spend way more time there than I want to admit). But, YouTube is fun, because you take people who can't even complete a coherant sentence, and they critique a video, and of course every single person who ever watched that video thinks that they are an expert on the subject. I'm convinced that the smart people just bite their tongue, but not me, I like to dive in head first! I hate it though, when I'm leaving a genuine comment on someone's video, and I ask them a question like, "oh, I like that video effect that you did. How did you do it?" and next thing I know, I get a reply to my comment that says, "You [expletive expletive] stupid [expletive]. It's just a video filter! I can't believe you're stupid enough to not know this stuff!" But, I love the comments that leave out most vowels, like "ur stpd. i wsh tht u wld drv of a clff n drwn n a vlly of tmto juce." What I really like about YouTube and many other forums, is that people can vote to give you thumbs up or thumbs down on your comments. When I'm in a week long, 10 comment debate with someone on YouTube, all their insulting, incoherant comments have mostly thumbs down, and all my calm, logical comments have thumbs up. It's a good feeling, really, to know that people are rooting for me! Is it wrong that I get so much joy out of this?

The other thing I like about online debating is that I can change personas. I've been a whole range of ages, I've been a woman before, Atheist, a Kobe fan, Obama supporter, cat-lover, gay, religious "Sex in the City" viewer, whatever. Again, I ask, is this wrong? Usually when I'm pretending to be what I'm not, I do it as sort of an infiltration tactic, like a spy. For instance, if I say I'm an Obama supporter, I will usually say something like, "I voted for Barack, but I regret it," and then I list all the reason why an Obama voter should regret their vote. Really, it's a ripping good laugh.

Seriously though, if you want a good laugh, you should just go to YouTube and read video comments. Although, I don't recommend it because people say horrible, horrible things.

One more quick disclaimer to my debating friends: It's never been my intention to debate until I break you down like I do to the morons on YouTube. Most of you put up with my debates, in fact, because you have valid points, and it actually is an intelligent experience for me. But, if I see any frustration, I try to back off. But, also, sometimes when I see comments or postings or whatever, I just can't help but comment! Seriously, it's an addiction.

So, that's me: the provoker. I like to stir the pot, because I get bored so easily. One day, I'm going to try and explain to you all what it is exactly that is wrong with my brain, but for now, iam tired.

Reality T.V. part two

I hate to talk so much about t.v. because it shows just how much I actually watch it. I think that t.v. is such a huge waste of time. But, what can I say, it's so easy to make fun of.

I wrote a while ago about how MTV no longer plays music videos. Well, I stand corrected: They actually play music videos at about 3 am (don't ask how I know this), but you have to love rap. And all rap videos are basically the same: guy in a white suit shows off his money, girls, and cars. I swear, every video is the same with a different audio track dubbed over it.

I just happened to be watching Jimmy Kimmel on a night that he was interviewing the person I love to hate the most, Paris Hilton. Yes, it was a coincidence, I never watch Kimmel. Anyhow, Paris was there to plug her next, newest, and greaterest reality show yet. Yup, you guessed it, it's Paris and her new BFF 2! Apparently Paris realized that all the contestants from the first BFF show were just in it for the fame and money. Who would have guessed that shallow people would actually try to get on this show? It's a shocker. She even said to Kimmel, in paraphrase of course: "The person who became my new BFF just wanted to party and be seen with me, but wasn't really a good friend." Wow, whoda thunk it? When she said that, what I actually heard in my head was, "MTV wanted to capitalize on my undeserved sense of accomplishment."

Is anyone else nauseated by the nonsense from Jon and Kate plus 8? Personally, I am so happy that Jon is finally getting out of the mess that his wife got them in. If I were Jon (who never wanted cameras in front of his kids in the first place), I would have kicked that self-absorbed, money-grubbing chick to the curb years ago when she first decided that she wanted to exploit her children on t.v. where the lying face of the media would find any fault they could to sell their stupid magazines, and edit the show to make the family APPEAR to be relevant to the common family. And for what, Kate? A paycheck? I mean, her being a nurse, and Jon being an IT analyst are both pretty lucrative careers, but apparently Kate needs more crap for herself. And word on the street is that Kate has opted to keep cameras in the face of her kids even after the divorce to keep feeding her addiction to fashion. What a mess her kids are going to be when they're older. I dare you to name one person who has had cameras in their face since birth that turned out normal. I mean look at the Olsen twins, and Michael Jackson. Ooh, too soon?

Honestly, I mean no disrespect for the king of pop, but he was a little strange right?

There are actually 2 reality shows that have caught my attention, but I don't know if they caught my attention for the wrong reason or not. I like to see people fail, but not just any people, egotistical meatheaded people. I am watching a new show called "4th and Long," where athletes compete for a spot on the Dallas Cowboys football team. I like to pick the most annoying, big-headed person and hope he loses (Like Kobe Bryant, which I don't want to talk about, by the way). I personally hate the Cowboys, so I could care less who wins the entire competition. But it's funny to watch old college star "coulda beens" whose speech resembles that of the very retrospective minded Kip from Napoleon Dynamite ("If coach would have put me in 4th quarter, we would have won. No doubt. No doubt in my mind." "How much you wanna bet I can throw a pigskin over them mountains?" etc, etc.). What's funnier is that they are being coached by washed up NFL stars. On the first episode they made it very clear that "this is not a reality t.v. show . . . it's a tryout! (insert spits and grunts here)" But they leave the person who is eliminated every week with a catch phrase just like every other reality show I've seen; "You might play for someone else, but you won't play for the Cowboys. You're cut." Every time I hear that phrase, I think, "yeah, right, not a reality show, huh?"

But the only reason I ever got caught up in that show is because it comes on before a show that I actually like called "Pros vs. Joes." This has a similar basis: Kip-like "coulda beens" compete against retired pros in either football or basketball. It's hilarious, when the young Joes come out all pumped up, and they play their 110% while the retired pros usually goof off, and play at most at their 75% and still embarrass the Joes, after which they drop their heads and go back to their grocery store jobs. What's so funny about it is that a lot of them think that they are going to be discovered in this show, and make it big. However, the only reason they were chosen was because they are easy to make fun of after their body doesn't do what their mouth said it would. You can't write better stuff!

Anyway, this blog was more of a rambling. You're welcome. I have to go watch Family Guy now. Hey, I worked hard today, I deserve some mind-numbing before bedtime!

Side note

In the previous blog that I wrote earlier today, I closed with the statement: "I have to go watch the Lakers lose." I just had to write again because, dangit, the Lakers won! And they didn't just win a game, they completely eliminated the Nuggets! I am so upset, because I think I jinxed them.

I am not generally a superstitious person, but when it comes to basketball games, I have several "codes of conduct". As an example, my favorite team is the San Antonio Spurs. When they have a game on the road, I wear Tim Duncan's jersey under my shirt all day long. During the game, I take off my top shirt to reveal the jersey. I wear it until the other team takes the lead in the game, then I take it off. I won't put it back on again until the Spurs have regained the lead. That is just one example of my many many superstitions when it comes to the Spurs.

I had a ritual for this latest series from the Lakers and the Nuggets. Whenever Chris "Birdman" Anderson was in the game, I had to put on my red, white, and blue headband. I have to take it off during commercials, and also take it off whenever the Birdman is on the bench.

So, you may ask me if I really think that these little rituals work. I would say, no, I don't really think that me doing these things is going to sway the game one way or the other. However, a very curious thing happened in the last two games between the Lakers and Nuggets. On Wednesday, I wasn't able to watch the game due to other obligations, so I was unable to perform my Birdman headband ritual. I watched the re-broadcast later that night, and the Nuggets lost. Tonight, I was unable to watch the game again, and again unable to do the headband thing. And they were eliminated tonight! I think there is more truth to these rituals than all of you give me credit for! I have to say too, that it's a big step for me to admit these weird things about me to all of you. The last game the Nuggets won (on Monday), we watched with a bunch of friends, and I really felt like an idiot with my headband thing. But, I had to do it, and what do you know? They won! So now, I have to figure out what my ritual is going to be for whoever plays the Lakers in the finals, and stick to it, because I can't stand to see an egotistical Kobe Bryant win it all! Let's go Lebron!

P.S. If you haven't read my apartment living blog yet, (since I posted two blogs in one day . . . I know, what's gotten into me?) Read it! And if you don't believe me about my upstairs neighbors moving their furniture during weird hours, let me inform you right now: It is about one in the morning, and they are moving furniture. I can't wait until I have my own house.

Annoyances of the apartment life

I apologize that I have been so lackadaisical with my blog lately (It's a real word). I know that some of you crave my rhetoric like the air you breathe, and I feel like a donkey bottom for letting you down. You may be saying to yourself (about me) "Well, he must have been busy again with all kinds of tight deadlines like he usually is." Or, "He is so devilishly handsome, so he must be in high demand." The truth is, yes, I have had some tight deadlines, and yes, I am handsome, but the excuse for my absence in the world of blogdom is because of the NBA Playoffs. The Playoffs have left me so very stressed out this year, even more stressed out than the things in my life that actually matter. Thinking about the Playoffs is what has increased my heartbeat and sweat production when I should be sleeping. I usually write about the things that keep me up at night, but I have tried on three separate occasions to write a blog about my NBA Playoff induced stress, but I can't really seem to organize my thoughts into any sort of structured topic, and most of you wouldn't be interested anyway. I figured I'd leave that topic alone in this venue, but I will say this: I hope the Lakers crash and burn. That's all.

Now I move on to something else I can complain about.

I've never really had any major complaints about my apartment complex. Ocassionally I can hear the neighbors yelling at each other, or the neighbors above us decide that 2 a.m. is the perfect time to move their furniture around, and the neighbors below us have a subwoofer that shakes the pictures off my walls, but it is still significantly quieter than my apartment was in Vallejo. The management staff in my Emeryville apartment have often misplaced our rent check and consequently sent us letters threatening of immediate eviction, a thousand plagues to come upon my family, and death of my firstborn. However, when I have trekked to the office to clear up this ever-so urgent misunderstanding, they calmly say "Oh, yeah, don't worry about that." Still, I have never really had any major complaints. Until last Sunday.

Sunday was slated to be a busy day for us. We usually wake up early on Sundays because we sing in a choir at our church, but this Sunday was a bit different. Luanne had arranged her own music that the choir was going to sing, and she was going to be the director. We woke up a little earlier than usual, got dressed, ate, and had time to leave and actually get there early. It was a great start to that day, and we felt good, too. Birds were chirping, the sun was smiling, and I even wore deoderant. We walked down the 3 flights of stairs to the basement of our apartment complex where the parking garage is. I noticed that there was yellow caution tape stretched across the huge iron gate of our garage. I thought that it was probably some stupid prank, or teenagers trying to have fun in the dark of the night. However, when I drove over to the gate, it didn't automatically open up for me like it usually does (I even said the magic words). At first we thought that maybe the caution tape was holding it down (strong tape . . . Ok, maybe I wasn't thinking clearly, despite my good night of sleep), so Luanne got out of the car and cut the tape off. Still motionless. I put on my cloak, spoke in a British accent, puffed a tobacco pipe and took on further inspection. We found DNA belonging to the leader of the Cartel 7 drug ring. Ok, just kidding. We noticed that one of the very large springs on the gate was completely disconnected. It was then we realized that the door was not faking it and we were stuck inside. I tried to lift the gate open myself, but with one giant spring still attached (not to mention the gate probably weighs a few hundred pounds) I struggled. And I don't mean to brag or anything, but I totally blasted my pecs the night before at the gym, so I was still a little sore. As Luanne and I both stood there contemplating our next move, a very nice woman from our complex who was on the other side of the gate came to help. With her pulling on her side, and me pushing on my side we swung it open. But I was taller than the woman, so I had to squat the gate and lift it above my head while Luanne drove through, and I thought I would die, seriously. It was so heavy, and I was shaking, and I thought that it would crush my body like an empty soda can.

The woman who helped us was livid because she had called the office the previous day when she discovered the gate was broken. Luckily she parked her car outside just in case. It made me somewhat angry when I had learned that she already called the office, because that means that they were the ones that put the caution tape over the gate! At first I thought maybe it was just some nice tennant who wanted to warn other people, but it was the freaken management! I can just imagine them now, saying, "Oh the gate is broken and all these cars are stuck in the garage. Well, I bet they don't have anywhere to go, so we'll just put this tape over the gate. They'll see it, and say 'Oh well, I guess I can't get out,' and then they'll just go back inside." I mean, really? What made them think that it would be ok to trap all their resident's cars inside? I understand that these mechanical malfunctions happen, but they could have at least left the gate open, or I don't know, TOLD their residents what was going on so that we could all make adjustments instead of leaving us in the dark, metaphorically. The woman who helped us told us that we should call the office and leave a message on their machine. Apparently a lot of people did that because they turned their machine off. Nice, right? We called the security number, and when we got back the gate was open and a scrawny security guard was there making sure that only residents were coming in. Was that so hard? I wish they would have called the Governator to stand there and hold the gate over his head, and yell "Get in the Choppa!" as we drove by.

So, there's my first major complaint about my apartment complex. Stay tuned for more, because now that I've experienced my first major complaint, I should start to nit-pick, and hilarity ensues. As for now, I have to go watch the Lakers lose.

Eat More Cows. Please.

I live in a small industrial town called Emeryville. With just over 8,000 people, most outsiders don't even know that it exists. But it feels huge! If I spit north, I'll hit Berkeley. If I spit south, Oakland. If I spit west, San Francisco. We are sandwiched between those huge cities with no indication of a change in city borders (besides that giant bridge that separates me from S.F.). People just driving through would have no idea that it was there, they would just think it was part of Oakland. That's why I still feel like I live in the big city. In fact, to people who don't live around here, I just tell them I live in Oakland when they ask. To people who live very far away and aren't even sure where Oakland is, I just tell them I live in San Francisco. Very rarely will I ever just tell people that I'm from Berkeley, and this is why:

Berkeley (or as I call it, Berzerkeley) is the hippy-est, most tree-huggingest, granola-eatingest, pot-smokingest town in the world. I went to downtown Berk today to do some t-shirt browsing, and I was getting a second hand high from marijuana smoke. In Berkeley protesting is not only a sport, it's a lifestyle. I think they also hold the record in the "Most peaceful protests turned violent" category. People there will protest ANYTHING. It's a cloudy day today . . . protest! And, quite often, their protests are not thought out very thoroughly. Their protests are embarrassingly counterproductive, and the only point they prove is that their idea has not developed past infancy. No joke; people actually LIVED IN TREES for YEARS when the city wanted to bulldoze them to build a rec center. I'm not so much dumbfounded at the fact that people actually lived in trees to protest than by the fact that the city didn't pull them out, and instead allowed them to throw a tantrum, and waste years of their life doing nothing worth doing. When the city finally threw them out, they were forced to get a life which means getting a job. Could you imagine sitting in an interview after that? It would go something like this:

"I noticed that there is a 2 year break in your job history. Why is that?"
"Oh, yeah, I was living in a tree."

I did see something today in Berzerkeley that I thought was hilarious. But first some background; Berkeley is extremely liberal and that's an understatement. If I even hinted that I was a conservative while walking the streets there, I would be lynched. However, today I saw a man begging for money. He was holding a sign that read "If you voted for Obama, you owe me some change." I just had to say outloud, "Sorry, I didn't vote for Obama." Now, I'm not completely heartless. I would give the man some money, if I had some myself. But, last I checked, most homeless people don't accept debit cards. Anyway, after I stated, outloud, in Berkeley, that I didn't vote for their great deliverer of all things Bush, Obama, I immediately realized my folly and feared for my life. But no one gave me more than a harsh glance. Granted, I don't think very many people actually heard me, but I started to think, "Are people, even Berzerkeley people, realizing that Obama's promises of change are hollow?" When it comes down to it, I really doubt that Berkeleyers would ever cease to live up to their melodramatic liberal reputation, even if it was blatantly harebrained to the rest of the nation to do so.

Anyway, I promised that I wouldn't dwell too much on political things, so I want to change gears and talk about something much more hilarious. The other day I overheard a conversation between a meat eater and a vegetarian (no, this is not the beginning of a joke). The vegetarian was saying that he chose to be a vegetarian so that he could protest farms and beef factories that emit large amounts of pollution into the air from machinery, factories, etc. He stated that, "Believe it or not, the most pollution from cow farms comes from cow flatulence." Now, I don't think that I believe that, but if that guy really believes that it's true, then his protestation is completely misdirected. Swing and a miss. Lo and behold, he was from Berkeley, so he couldn't help himself from protesting something so asenine. I know that there are some vegetarians who are reading this, and let me just stop the proverbial foot from entering my mouth; if you chose to be a vegetarian because you felt it was healthier and/or an overall better diet for you, then more power to you. I have nothing against that. But, if you're a vegetarian because you are protesting cow farts, let me tell you what's wrong with what you are doing:

Well, I set this up like I'm about to give a long explanation. On the contrary, just let me conclude with the words that I heard from the rest of this compelling conversation. The meat eater said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Veggy-man got defensive and replied, "Well, what are YOU doing to help the ozone?!" Meat eater said EXACTLY what I was thinking," Well, I'm eating the cows! Less cows, less cow farts." Der! I mean, what was going through that guy's head (and other people's heads, too, I'm sure)? "Cows are polluting our air, so I'm going to stop eating them!" Did he think that they would fart less if they weren't so paranoid? All he's doing is allowing another cow to see another day and pollute our air with badly digested hay stank. That's like saying, "I'm going to save my money by living off a credit card for the next 2 years." All he's doing is exacerbating (that's right, I said "exacerbating") the problem, which for all I know is a fabricated problem anyway. And I know that he wouldn't condone a forced extinction on cows, because another weird quirck about most Berkeleyers is that they seem to value the life of animals more than the life of humans. I know, I don't get it either. But now, my question is: How much of the Earth's pollution is caused from human flatulence?

MTV is now NMTVA.

Check out my take on the latest Fast and Furious movie in my two previous posts if you haven't already.

Does anyone else think that reality television is getting way out of hand? I'm telling you, I honestly feel myself getting dumber as I watch it, and it's just so easy for me to get sucked in! You see, I have an abnormally large corpus callosum and the result is intense cognitive dissonance that somehow makes me attracted to things while they are simultaneously bothering me, so when I see bratty, egotistical and un-deserving people always getting their way on t.v. I have to watch, even though it makes me very angry. (I used a lot of big words! That's fun. Don't think I'm smart, I've done a lot of study about the human brain, but I don't know much about anything else. I don't even really know if all of that is true about me, it's just the best explanation I've come up with after doctors have repeatedly told me, "We simply don't know what's wrong with your head. That will be $2,648.")

It used to be that reality shows had to have catchy names to rope in an audience, and then they would use the scantily-clad airheads in their commercials to sell the sex to those who were too dumb to catch on to the cleverness of the show title. But, I've found that producers are getting lazier. There is a reality show on MTV that is called "Hot Girls in Scary Places." This is not a joke. Talk about cutting to the chase! No catchy name, just a blunt selling point; hot girls. Hmm, I wonder what that show is about? Who cares!? Hot girls equals me watching! Someone get me a beer.

Speaking of MTV, I freaken hate it. When I was a youngster, growing up in the hood of Pocatello, I was interested in music videos. That explains why I do what I do today. My parents never had cable television in their home, so whenever I would go to a friend's house, I would turn on MTV and watch music videos all day long. A friend of mine taped MTV for a few hours and gave it to me so that I had my very own music videos that I could watch at home. That's what MTV used to do: show music videos. Afterall, MTV is an acronym for "Music Television." I dare you to turn on MTV today and watch it for a whole 24 hour period*. Do you know how many music videos you will see? Zero. Do you know how many lame reality shows you will see? 24. And some of their reality shows feature old, washed up "celebrities" acting like children. It has nothing to do with music. Sure, sometimes their "celebrity" is a musician, but you won't ever see them play music except from their ipod equipped Escalade while they are driving to Target to buy toilet paper. Who cares!? I don't want to watch an adult throw a temper tantrum in public, go home and watch t.v. and then argue with his wife about where they're going to put their new pool-sized hot tub. MTV should change their name to NMTV (NOT Music Television . . . anymore . . . NMTVA). And their slogan should be, "Watch what washed-up celebs will do when they are desperate for cash."
(*I actually do not recommend watching MTV for 24 hours straight. Many have experienced side-effects such as: shortened memory span, forgetting to eat, forgetting to breath, and having a terribly skewed perception of reality.)

I hate shows like American Idol, The Apprentice, Next Top Model, or any other show that gives it's winner some type of career-based contract. I feel like it undermines those who actually work hard at their education, career, and talents by allowing someone to walk into a position of "power" for the sake of entertainment. Pretty soon the job interview will be obsolete. In it's place, a job seeker will compete with other job seekers in a number of mental and physical challenges in front of a television crew. "Who will be America's next top brain surgeon? Tune in next week to see who gains immunity and who is eliminated by the others."

"Will Tom's agility in the physical challenge give him the edge over the other's in the race to be the next Wal-Mart associate?" Then, when it is down to the final 5 contestants, the viewers will call a 1-800 number to vote for the person they think is most qualified. "I don't like that guy's attitude, I would hate to have him ring up my soda, so I'm going to vote for the other guy." (Do you like my random, conjectural quotes? I'm assuming you can still follow my thought processes.)

How awful would it be if they made a reality show to choose the next president of the U.S.? Oh wait, no one would watch that show. There are more important things to worry about. For instance, who, please tell me WHO will be Paris Hilton's new BFF!?