Here's boring for you.

From the very beginning, I never wanted my blogdom to be any sort of propagandized political temper tantrum (or as I like to call it, a “PPTT”). I’ve always made fun of people with a single digit online following who blog passionately about politics, revolutions, and non-role model type athletes. I’ve become that person, minus the revolutions. And passion.

When people tell me that they’ve read my blog, I usually respond with, “Oh, that’s embarrassing.” People who are trying to be modest, but are actually happy to hear that someone is taking interest in their work most commonly use this phrase (like Andy Bernard). Not me, I am actually embarrassed. I know that I’m super opinionated and young, and when I write, I think I know who’s going to be reading it. Then I find out that someone I didn’t expect to read it is reading it. I try to remember what I said and if it has the potential to offend this particular reader. When I blog, I act like I’m a “no excuses, no regrets” kind of person, but I’m not. I like to think that I’m conscious and respectful of other feelings and opinions. This blog is my outlet to vent, but in real life I’m much more reserved. I like to unleash on the unsuspecting cyber-world where it seems that there is a bigger safety net. No, I haven’t recently offended someone (that I’m aware of), that’s not the reason for this post. I always thought it would be fun to be a political journalist, but my past style of writing is much too extreme and loose to be taken seriously. I also feel that I lack a good dose of life experience, another reason why I am sometimes embarrassed by what I write. When I say I’m sick of the current political scene, I imagine that someone with more life experience is thinking, “People have always felt this way with every president, it’s nothing new,” which is probably true, and my naivety is exposed. I have also learned that online debating is sort of like the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded.

So, here’s my stance on the current political landscape; I’m just waiting out the storm, but I can’t see a safe shore, or even an island yet. I’m tired of arguing and debating, and I’m almost certain that Obama won’t even be around after 2012. I don’t see much need to argue anymore, because I don’t know many people who hold high approval of Obama anyway. I just hope that someone will show up to take his place that I feel comfortable voting for, and soon.

Donald Trump is seriously thinking about running. Heaven help us all.

Hilary Clinton has announced that she will end her career in 2012. “Ding-dong, the witch is dead!” However, I doubt we’ll never see her again.

I would vote for Palin if she ran, but I’m not sure if enough other Americans would. And she’s not the ideal candidate for me anyway.

Of course, then we have an economic wiz. A man with a business degree from Harvard, led Bain & Company out of a financial crisis as an emergency CEO, and then started his own investment firm that grew to be one of the largest and most successful in the nation. This man took control of Salt Lake City’s winter Olympics when they were in massive debt and turned it into massive profit. A man who governed a state into stronger financial security by not being afraid of spending cuts. A man such as he is refreshing to hear about amid huge American deficits. This man is Mitt Romney. Oh wait; he’s that Mormon guy, never mind.

Here is my current beacon of hope: A man by the name of Herman Cain. If you haven’t heard anything about him, look him up. The reason you probably haven’t heard anything about him is because he talks about integrity and morality, and those attributes are shunned by the world today. I still have yet to give this man my entire support, I’m going to need to see more of him first, but I’m very hopeful and happy with what I’ve heard so far. I won’t say much about his political scene now, because I don’t want to give him the official Hardy endorsement yet, but I do want to say something that I’m a little hesitant to say. You see, he’s an African-American and part of the reason I hope he turns out to be a great and successful candidate is because I really want to shut up the liberals who try to tell me that I’m a racist because I don’t like Obama. Of course if I vote for him based on that fact alone, I’m no better than the dummies that voted for Obama based on his skin color in 2008. But wouldn’t that be great? I see it as a way to prove that we actually make decisions based on the merits of the individual, but I’m sure they’ll find a way to make it seem like we’re still uneducated rednecks. I can already hear them saying that he was voted by a racist group trying to mask their racism.

Cain captivates me when I hear him speak. He is like a preacher giving a sermon, speaking boldly, powerfully, and not afraid to speak the truth. It’s refreshing to hear a man who can call a spade a spade. Let’s hope he maintains his good moral character and proves himself an honest candidate. Here is one event that he spoke at. The video is 15 minutes long, and being part of the “need-to-be-constantly-stimulated-by-short-bits-of-mediocre-entertainment” generation I didn’t want to spend that much time watching it. But once it started, I was hooked for the entire speech. I also watched his 30-minute speech at CPAC, and I would recommend it.

Take it away, Keenan!

No snappy title: Playoffs.

It's that time of year again. The only time that my blog is dependable, consistent, and well . . . predictable. That's right, it's NBA Playoff time. I actually write a lot of potential blog posts, but I never get around to finalizing them. I have 15 rough drafts last time I checked. Anyway, that's beside the point. It's PLAYOFF TIME!

Each year, I generally post two different brackets. One represents what I want to happen, and the other represents what I think will actually happen. Well, get ready for me to blow your mind, because in a pure stroke of serendipitous luck, what I want to happen, and what I think will happen are one in the same. Of course, as most of you know, my picks to win it all this year (and every previous year) are as follows, in order of importance: 1, the Spurs; and 2, anyone but the Lakers. Usually there is a number 3, anyone but the Jazz, but since they didn't even make it to the Playoffs this year, they've already been weeded out. And since Deron Williams left, the Jazz are much more tolerable to me now. Anyway, I digest. Here is my one bracket:




I try not to base my decision on my emotions, but I would agree with someone if they told me that I'm still wishfully thinking. But, if I am wishful thinking, it's just BARELY. This bracket is still possible. If I was fully wishfully thinking, the Lakers would get eliminated in the first round by the Hornets. Even though it would be sweet to watch the Spurs kick them out in the semi-finals (as I have predicted here), I would rather weed them out right away. I really like to watch close games, and feel the suspense of not knowing who will win, except when it comes to the Lakers. I would love to see them get swept in the first round, and lose each game by 50 points. Most people would change the channel out of boredom. I would watch all of those games until the final buzzer. Why do I hate the Lakers so much? Anyone reading this who has or had a two-year-old child could understand. When the child doesn't get what he or she wants, they will throw temper tantrums, hit their siblings, cry, scream, disobey, and take their punishment only when forced upon them. A good mother will have patience, teach them to be nice and civilized, accept consequence for their actions, and teach them that they can't have everything they want. They will love them and teach them how to play nice and grow up to be courteous and kind. But what if the tantrum thrower is a grown man in his thirties? This describes most of the players on the Lakers. Do you teach them to play nice? To accept consequences? No, you kick their butt in basketball, assuming they haven't headbutted your star player yet.

Anyway, got on a tangent again.

Just like every year, I'm not so sure about my predictions for the East. I don't pay as much attention to them. I am more confident this year, but I think that the Magic can beat the Bulls in the second round. If the Bulls beat them (as I've predicted), I think that they have a good shot at beating the Celtics too and the finals would be Spurs vs. Bulls.

That is all.

Goodbye, Emeryville

This blog is long overdue, seeing as how I moved away more than a month ago. But, I wrote it circa Feb, about the time that I moved, just never posted it. It's still relevant. Enjoy.

Stuff I will miss (yup, I'm moving away):

1. Goodbye, downstairs neighbors. Thank you for waking me up at 2 am with your subwoofer pumpin’ techno music. Even when I called to complain and you would turn the music off, I could still hear you laughing at each other in your drunken stupor. When your party would wind down, there’s nothing like climbing out your window onto the roof (which is right next to my window, by the way) and smoking a cigarette or two with all your buddies. I loved the way you would talk so loud that I could hear you and all about your personal life. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now that I don’t know how many people Ashley slept with this week yet still won’t “give it up” for you, or how you personally keep up with the Kardashians, and how your self-worth is determined by your popularity on Facebook. Good luck with all of that.

2. Dear upstairs neighbor. I will miss calling the police for you on a regular basis when I can hear the domestic abuse. I only wish you would answer the door when they knock, because I feel bad for you. There are nights when I am woken up by sobbing and screaming when you’re all by yourself. I don’t want to sound heartless (because I really do feel bad for you), but during those nights I really wish you’d be quiet. It's kind of depressing, and I’ve tried to get some help to you, but you just don't take it. It makes me think that you’re hiding something else if you don’t want police to intercede. I don’t know the whole story, but often I’ve daydreamed of leaving an anonymous note at your door that simply reads “I can hear your conversations and beatings at 3 am. Just leave him already.” I guess things can’t be all that bad though, because I have also heard you on several occasions . . . ahem . . . getting intimate. Oh, the police have heard that too, FYI. It also sounded like you were frequently re-arranging your furniture at odd hours. Why?

3. Goodbye neighbors with tons of kids. I never was able to count how many there were, and I’m not sure that you know how many kids you have either. You guys were actually really nice; we had a few conversations. Because you were so nice it always made me sad to swear under my breath whenever your gigantic van was blocking the parking garage for no apparent reason. Or blocking the entire driveway. Or blocking my parking spot. Or the mail boxes. And during these instances, there was never any apparent order or purpose. You would be sitting in the van, and your kids would be running around almost as though you wanted them to be hit by oncoming traffic. Hoping for a good lawsuit, maybe? If we ever did actually see you driving that behemoth vehicle, your kids were rarely buckled and/or in car seats. I guess you are taking the “permissive” approach to parenthood. Your husband seems dead inside, but I think it’s just because he’s high every time I see him. Another thing I will miss is the very obvious marijuana smell trails that I can literally follow from the garage, all the way to your apartment. You’re not fooling anyone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten a contact high before I’m safe in my own home. Thank you for that.

4. I will also miss other random smells of drugs that creep in through the vents. One very strong smell from downstairs neighbors (shout out to you again!) came at approximately 4 am. VERY strong, meth-like smell. It made me wonder how many times I just sleep through that. It might explain the headaches in the morning.

5. I will miss the smell of pee in the garage.

6. Goodbye, minors in the fitness room. I can personally thank your parents for that because they’re too lazy to be parents and mistook the fitness room for a daycare.

7. Dear shady people who wait near the locked doors of the complex to wait for someone to go in our out so that they can get in without a key. You will be missed.

8. I will miss sitting in the hot tub and watching someone from the street climb over the gate into the pool area. That hasn’t happened for a while, because I don’t sit in the hot tub anymore; one time it smelled like pee, and I haven’t gone back since.

9. Goodbye, front office. It will bring a tear to my eye every month when I don’t get an eviction notice on my door because you lost my rent check and think that I just didn’t pay. It was annoying the first three times, but after that I was just happy to see you every month. I love the way that your calm demeanor contrasted with the nasty eviction notice when you told me that everything was okay. No need to say you’re sorry, just look at me funny when I pretend to be upset about it and act like nothing happened. Good times.

10. I will miss the security guards who sit in their office and watch TV. Not security monitors, TV.

11. I will miss going into the garage in the morning and discovering a broken garage gate with only caution tape in front of it, locking my car inside until they finally decide that caution tape doesn’t actually mean it’s fixed. Meanwhile I’m scrounging up change to pay for public transportation (and that’s a whole other list). What serendipitous fun!

12. Speaking of scrounging, every Tuesday morning I will reminisce about the mornings when the dumpsters are out so they can be dumped, and seeing at least a dozen homeless people inside of them digging for bottles, cans, plastics, and possibly my personal information. They help remind me to shred credit card info, etc.

13. I will miss the blinding flash in my bedroom window of intersection cameras catching people running yellow lights.

14. I will miss seeing people drive right past the big yellow sign that says “No Outlet” down my driveway, and upon realizing, the hard way, that there is no outlet, they stop completely unaware of anyone around them and look in disbelief at the divider in front of them as if it will go away if they stare at it long enough. Meanwhile, they block my entrance into the garage. When I honk, it’s obvious that they were deep in their shallow thoughts as they jerk back to reality and in an effort to get out of my way they pull up next to the garage door as if I made the same mistake and just wanted a turn to try and disintegrate the divider with my mind too. Instead of honking again I just push the button that opens the garage door. When that giant metal gate swings open and threatens to hit their car, they move pretty quickly. I really will miss that part.

15. I will miss my bike (that was stolen out of the garage about 2 years ago). And my floor jack (a few months ago). And anything else I might leave in the “secure” garage unattended.

So, I really do miss Emeryville the city, and Oakland is kind of a shady place. But it sure is nice not having to share my walls. And I still see Emeryville often, because they have the best, closest shopping. Excuse me, I have to pee.

The awesome Christmas ninja

You all know that I’m pretty awesome. But in what ways am I so awesome? Well, I beat the expert level on Minesweeper TWICE yesterday at work. I ate Skittles for breakfast for two consecutive days. I once jumped high enough to touch the rim on a professional height basketball hoop. I have an iPod. My mom has a tattoo that reads “Son”. These are just a few of the facets of my awesominity. Not to mention my humility and willingness to help others who aren’t quite as awesome to achieve optimal awesome-pacity. Isn’t “willing” kind of a funny sounding word?

Anyway, you know by now that this is actually going somewhere: I am exceptionally awesome at guessing my Christmas presents. I think it all started when I was a young boy with dreams of becoming a ninja spy. I justified peeking on my presents (which my parents so obviously hid on the far side of their bed) by telling myself that it was time to find out if Santa was real or not. I decided to go look at all of my presents so that on Christmas morning if I saw the same gifts marked “from Santa” I would know. It was such a rush; I was hooked from then on. Some people say that it takes all the joy out of Christmas morning to know what you’re getting. I disagree.

When I succeed in finding out what my presents are, I am either happy or disappointed. In being disappointed, I have time to work on my “happy surprised” face, or drop subtle hints to the giver that I don’t want this item. If I’m happy with my discovery, then I still have that overwhelming, kid-like anticipatory joy, in the form of: “x number of days until I get to play with my new y!” See, that is still enough motivation for me to experience the mind melding, fanatical stupor that occurs while enthusiastically waiting for Christmas day to arrive.

Now I see this as a sort of game, and I compare it to the way my family plays Clue: No rules. Get information in any way possible. Cheat, make deals, form alliances, cause distractions, whatever. We’re talking about murder here, just figure out who did it! My wife figured out quickly that I discover my presents early on. The problem was that she was telling me they were somewhere in the house. As soon as I know they are in the house, my Pavlovian instincts take over; it’s game on and I will find them. She has discovered that if she simply doesn’t tell me that she bought presents, she can hide them in even the most obvious spot and I would never know. But this year, I knew she was going to do all of her shopping on Black Friday. She wrapped the presents as soon as she got home, before I even woke up. Well played.

But I’m still awesome.

We celebrated our Christmas day last Saturday since we will be traveling on Christmas. Using my remarkable groping skills, I deciphered what my presents were. Mostly. One present was the size and shape of a DVD, but I knew that it wasn’t a DVD. DVD’s and video games have a unique bulk to them. I knew it was a game because the case was a bit flimsier. But, there is only one game on the Wii (the console I already have) that I want, and three games wrapped up. Well, there was another box about the size of the Xbox 360 boxes that I have looked at so many times at the store and it had about the same weight. So, that means that it is, in fact an Xbox, and those are Xbox games. One of the DVD’s was actually a DVD though. I could tell because it was less flimsy, more bulky. See, so now I basically knew what I was getting, but I didn’t know what games and movies they were, so there was some anticipation building up.

At one time I even told her that I knew what my presents were. She told me to guess, but I didn’t want to because I was so sure of myself and I didn’t want her to be discouraged like she usually is when I discover my presents. She persisted, and I finally guessed that I was getting a video game. She said “no” but I knew she was lying. I’m a present-guessing ninja spy veteran, and the wars I’ve fought and conquered were not easy. I didn’t guess any more though, because I imagined what it would have been like if I said, “Yes, it is a video game. It’s an Xbox game for my new Xbox, which is this present right here.” Instead, I said those words on Christmas day before opening the game. She said, “You knew it was an Xbox!?” And I told her it was only a guess, but yeah, I pretty much knew. Also, I’ll admit that deep down inside of me, I don’t want to be told up front. Part of the fun is seeing if my detective work has produced the correct verdict.

And I had a hard time falling asleep the night before because I was so excited to play with my new Xbox. Who says that knowing your gifts beforehand takes all the fun out of Christmas? For me, knowing (or at least having an idea) what I’m getting makes the wait much more insufferable, whereas having no idea what’s in a wrapped up box makes me slightly uninterested.

I’m awesome.

I almost died whilst surfing.

I’ve tried my hand at a lot of different sports. I played football, basketball, ran cross country, threw shot puts, table tennis, and picnic table sliding (a friend and I made that one up, and we were the BEST at it). I quit football because I was a Nancy and it was too hard for me. I can admit it now; I don’t care whatchu think. I still love basketball, and played it when I was in junior high. I was tall in junior high, but I had apparently finished growing. Once I got to the high school level, I was the same height as I was in junior high and everyone else had grown taller than me, so the result was the terminus of my “cool athlete” days (and right when I enter High School when it matters most, right?). I don’t run competitively anymore, but I do run on a near regular basis. I try just about anything that I can, and when I do try something new I get really into it, to nearly outrageous levels. I try to skip the novice stage and go directly to (semi) pro. If I started gymnastics tomorrow, you can bet that I’d be attempting to do a full-twisting double back cabriole on the balance beam followed by a back salto dismount by the end of the day, all while wearing the most mind-blowing leotard (blue, because it matches my eyes) you have ever seen. I’ve said too much.

This next part is not for the weak-stomached. Those of you who know me well, know that I really push my body to the limit, usually until I vomit. It’s true. I always puked during football practice, after running lines in basketball, after getting splinters in my face from table sliding, etc. Even now, I know that my workout isn’t complete until I have spilled the contents of my stomach, and it’s not even done then! It usually goes something like this: I either 1) run for a straight mile as fast as I can (we’re talking dang near sprint), or 2) I keep a steady pace and run for as long as I can. At some point AFTER I complete my goal and slow my body down, I start to think, “Wow, I really don’t feel so good. I’m never going to push myself this hard ever again.” I take deeps breaths and suppress my gag reflex, because I really don’t want to puke, no matter how much you think I do. But the anger of my stomach is kindled, and its wrath is spewn upon the inhabitants of either the bushes or a garbage can (which is really uncomfortable when I’m in a gym with other people, strange people {known as strangers [that’s right, triple parentheses!]}). After I puke, I feel GREAT! See that? Adorned in all capital letters and an exclamation point. I feel GREAT! And then I usually run another mile or move onto some other form of self-torture.

I don’t really know why I told you about my throwing up problem. It has nothing to do with how I almost died surfing, but I will use it, tactlessly, as a bridge to the next topic: I once threw up in the ocean after taking a massive spill, and I was in deep water and couldn’t touch the ground. Yes, it was as disgusting as it sounds.

Before I start yakking it up (no pun intended) about surfing, let me say this: To my Idaho friends, or to anyone who has barely even seen the ocean and therefore have never cavorted in it’s mighty waves, you have NO idea how intense it is (if you’re Mike Haycock, shut up because you were on a 9 foot floatation device that even a quadriplegic could stand on). I’ve never felt anything more forceful, and I was once hit by a car (true story). And, to my fellow surf-buddies, don’t make fun of me. Remember that I’m still a noob, and try to remember what it was like when you were a noob. Remember? Back when you were 2 years old and your hippy father put you on a board and pushed you out towards a wave. The first time you ever stood up all by yourself was inside the barrel of a 13-footer. So be nice to me. Go buy me some Taco Bell.

The reason I talked about all the other sports that I played was because I wanted to make a comparison. Surfing is by FAR the hardest sport I have ever done. It’s also the only sport where I’ve said to myself “I think I’m going to die,” and I actually meant it. New term, write this down. It’s lovingly called a “wash cycle”: when a wave eats you and it pushes you under water like the bully on amphetamine at the public pool. The spin of the wave in turn spins your whole body around until you have no idea which way is up. All you can really do is hold your breath until the natural buoyancy of your body brings you to the surface, and if the frequency of the waves is high, you have only enough time to take another breath before another wave crashes on top of you and you go through another wash cycle. On my first day of surfing I found myself in cycle after cycle until the ocean pushed me all the way back to the shore without me realizing it. Imagine how dumb I felt when I eventually found myself freaking out in ankle deep water, flat on my back, arms a-flailing and legs a-kicking. Dumb kids collecting shells stopped and gaped at me, DIDN’T YOUR PARENTS TEACH YOU IT’S NOT POLITE TO STARE!?

On a particular day when the waves were rather large, I was feeling confident for no real reason. I knew that bigger waves meant harder falls, but that was far from my mind. I adopted the mindset that larger waves meant more room to stand (glass half-full assurance {or insurance [oh, snap, I did it again!]}, if you will), and all I really wanted was to stand. That day was brutal. I think I gave up at the moment that I fell off a wave, my chest hit the ocean floor, and the abrupt stop caused me to kick myself in the back of my own head. You read that right. I kicked my own head. With my own foot. I haven’t even gotten to the part when I almost died.

Here it is:

It was a particularly small day (“small” as in wave size, not the size of the environment or duration of the sun’s rotation) and I was taking out a short board that I got from my aunt (thanks, KC!). Short boards are significantly harder to ride than long boards, and I had barely earned enough experience with long boards, but I’m determined to learn to ride short. I wanted to go to a location where there weren’t a lot of surfers. I quickly found out that if there are not a lot of surfers in one spot, it’s usually because there is something wrong with that spot. I got out into the water maybe 30 yards from shore and tried, unsuccessfully, to ride a few gnarly swells. I was getting very tired and decided to go back to shore for a little rest. I was in waist deep water and walking on the ocean floor towards the shore when I strolled into a pocket of utter doom. It was like I walked off the edge of a cliff. I was maybe fifteen feet away from the shore and I couldn’t touch the bottom anymore. I didn’t think much of it at first. I just jumped on my board and started to paddle away from it, but I noticed that I stayed in the same spot. It was like some horrible, flooded eternal treadmill without a safety key that clips to your clothes in case I fell off that one time when my shorts fell down. It was then that I noticed that there were some evil, vindictive crosscurrents in that little pit of despair, and it was basically a small wake pool from hell. I paddled harder, but that just wore me out quickly, ekspecially since I blasted my triceps earlier that week. I got off my board and swam like a sober Michael Phelps, but that didn’t work, and I’m sure that the board strapped to my ankle didn’t really help my cause. I tried to backstroke out, doggie paddle, breaststroke, freestyle, monkey bite, everything, but I stayed on the exact same spot! I looked at people on the shore (15 feet away, remember) and noticed people watching me like I was a rare species of fish that they were about to discover and name after their snot-nosed kid building the sand castle. Realizing how stupid I must look, I calmly rested my arms on my board with my feet dangling into the pit of the unknown and pretended like I wanted to be there. That’s right, I meant to do this; I like the exercise. I thought to myself “So, this is really how it ends? I hope these people don’t provide eyewitness accounts to the news crews, which has potential to be embarrassing. Not even my own family will claim me. Maybe,” I contemplated, “just maybe I’ll get a Darwin award.” I don’t really remember how I got out of this embarrassing plight (I mean the crosscurrent, not my life in general). It’s all kind of fuzzy as I was too busy concentrating on passing my life before my eyes (It wasn’t a fast moving, “you-are-definitely-about-to-die” moment, so I had to flash my life before my eyes manually. It wasn’t pretty). I’m pretty sure what happened is that I rested on my board for a REALLY long time, then gave it my entire strength and got myself out by swimming away from the shore, then parallel to the shore, then I let the waves wash me up with the rest of the barnacles and other nasty pelagic whatsits. I’m pretty sure I puked on the beach too. This concludes the time that I almost died while surfing.

Why do I surf despite the near-death experiences, you ask? It’s splendidly awesome, that’s why. When you actually do ride a wave it’s exhilarating, and it can actually be very peaceful to sit on your board out away from land and just watch the horizon line. However, since I’m a noob I haven’t mastered the balancing technique of simply sitting on my board, and my falling off and splashing around appears to ruin the peace for everyone else, but I can imagine that it’s peaceful.

*If you’re wondering, I recently discovered the thesaurus feature on my Macbook Pro, and that’s why this entry is significantly more awesome than most others. Not to mention the ridiculous, absurd, preposterous, ludicrous, laughable, risible, nonsensical, senseless, outrageous, and antonym reasonable amount of free time I have at work right now.

Just to be sure that I keep up my reputation of writing unnecessarily long blog posts, I'm going to apologize and tell you why I haven't written very often. This will be quick. I got a job. It's a sad day, but it gets worse. I got a job with UC Berkeley, the Disneyland of Liberalville. It's really not that bad, and it's a great job, so I'm not going to complain. In fact, I am very grateful and lucky to have this job. And I just might be able to keep my promise of not blogging about political things, for a couple of reasons. 1, I'm afraid that people I work with will discover my true identity as a conservative super hero of sorts, and B, now that I have a job, I don't have time to keep up with current events as well as I did before. It kind of makes me sad, but at the same time I've kept my sanity intact, more or less. No one at work talks about politics all that much, which was sort of surprising to me. Anywho, maybe I'll tell you more about the amusing parts of my job at a later time. I know that you all are DYING to hear about my job. Well, just be patient for 2 or more months.

Obama: This is a long one.

Yes, I know I've been gone for a long time. I'll explain later.

As for now, I recently read an article that was interesting. Keep in mind that the article came out last April. It talked about how much flack George Bush got for the amount of golf he played during his two terms in office. He played a total of 25 rounds. As of last April, however, Barack Obama played 32. So, in a little more than a year Barack played more golf than Bush did in 8 years with virtually no flack from anyone. If you feel so inclined, you can read the article here.

This article prompted more research. Here is what I discovered; a breakdown of the day-to-day response from the president during the oil spill (disclaimer: I realize that this is a totally unoriginal idea. If you Google some of this, you will find at least 10 articles exactly like it. In fact, I used some of those articles as reference. However, I did research every single thing here to discover it's truthfulness before presenting it to you and did additional research on my own. If I found that something wasn't true or if I couldn't find strong evidence to back it up, I discarded it.):

Day 1, April 20th - The spill occurs, Obama flies back to Washington after fundraising in California for Barbara Boxer, who has represented California in the Senate for almost 20 years and whose career is on the rocks. Hm, wonder why. . . Anyway, the article I referenced here is mostly for laughs. Blue Wave News is not a source that I would consider to be reliable, but blaming Republicans for everything wrong with the government is such a unique idea, so I had to share. Not to mention the fact that they can't come to any other conclusion other than that we all must simply be bigots. Bravo, Blue Wave, bravo.

Day 2, April 21st - He attends a reception for G-20 Labor Ministers. Later, discusses Michelle's plans to cure childhood obesity with paralympians (unless I misunderstood).

Day 3, April 22nd - The White House hosts Rose Garden party to honor Earth Day, where the National Resources Defense Council called carbon pollution and global warming the "single greatest environmental ill of our time" (um . . . doesn't anyone realize by now that oil is spilling into the gulf?), then flies to NYC to push Wall St. bill.

Day 4, April 23rd - Vacation in Asheville, NC, then lunch at Twelve Bones for ribs and mac and cheese, followed by a mountain hike and a round of golf. (I like this article because it tries to depict Obama as a man who can prioritize his time well enough to justify a vacation like this. These are the same people who demonized Bush for his 25 rounds of golf in 8 years. Also notice that they called his vacation a reflection of a middle-class vacation. Yes, I was just thinking that I would love to fly out to NC for a round of golf and mac and cheese while staying at Grove Park Inn resort and spa.)

Day 5, April 24th - Golf again at Grove Park Inn (apparently the Tracy person who wrote this doesn't know about the oil spill either), followed by a gourmet dinner at the Biltmore.

Day 6, April 25th - Brunch at Grove Park Resort to conclude their middle-class vacation.

Day 7, April 26th - The White House host the New York Yankees. VERY important.

Day 8, April 27th - Flies out to Iowa to hold town hall meetings and talk about jobs and the economy, but somehow the most interesting part this visit was the rhubarb pie at Jerry's Diner.

Day 9, April 28th - Flies to Missouri for lunch at Peggy Sue's Diner.

Day 10, April 29th - DNC fundraiser at ritzy DC residence. Asking admission price to the event in a hospital-converted-home was $30,400 per couple.

Day 11, April 30th - Flight to Maryland to view secret service binoculars. I wonder if he could see the oil spill from MD with those new binoculars.

Day 12, May 1st - Obama joins Jay Leno for a comedy routine at WHCD. (No, he didn't use failed policies from his short presidency as the leading punchline for his routine, but he did manage to make fun of Arizona and anyone else interested in upholding federal laws.)

Day 13, May 2nd - Obama FINALLY visits Louisiana. Yes, 13 days into the crisis. That article is funny because they make fun of Fox News when they said that Obama hadn't visited the oil spill yet. They reply with (in paraphrase) "Yes-huh! He visited them after 13 days in the crisis after he took vacations and a few rounds of golf! See, he's doing his job!"

Day 14, May 3rd - He hosts Navy football team. Receives chest bumps.

Day 15, May 4th - Holds private lunch with Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel.

Day 16, May 5th - Hosts Cinco De Mayo party at the White House. The party was placed as a guise to promote immigration reform. Because we all know that crossing the border legally and having to pay taxes and contribute to the American economy is such a pain in the butt.

Day 17, May 6th - Summers gives update on the economy. I can imagine how that meeting went. "It's not looking so good."

Day 18, May 7th - Gives Rose Garden speech on economy.

Day 19, May 8th - Golf at Ft. Belvoir, followed by dining at Komi, a ritzy DC restaurant. Another middle-class retreat? The Huffington Post is always good for a laugh.

Day 20, May 9th - Obama gives commencement speech at Hampton University.

Day 21, May 10th - Picks a supreme court justice. Good timing for it, considering that he has done an exceptional job at avoiding the oil crisis.

Day 22, May 11th - Private lunch and round of golf with Joe "clueless" Biden.

Day 23, May 12th - Obama speaks with President Karzai of Afghanistan. Probably a good thing, this one.

Day 24, May 13th - Flies to Buffalo, NY for Duff's hot wings.

Day 25, May 14th - Obama takes time to make a speech from the Rose Garden about the oil spill. That article is particularly hilarious because Obama mentions how oil execs are all trying to point the finger at each other and "The American people could not have been impressed with that display, and I certainly wasn't." Funny, get it? Because Obama constantly points the finger at Bush and Republicans and rocks and . . . well, you get it. Unfortunately, too many Americans are too much in love with Barack to notice the severe hypocrisy in that statement. Especially interesting is the fact that in a brilliant act of arrogance, Obama, after hammering the right wingers who supported offshore drilling, suddenly changed his mind a few weeks prior to the oil spill and all the Obamaniacs (who didn't really pay attention to his campaign anyway) changed their minds and went from demonizing pro-drillers to praising the new pro-drilling Obama. Soooo, Obama took the pressure off himself by blaming all the execs who are blaming each other. In other words, Obama tip toes slyly out of a bucket of crap and still smells like a rose.

Day 26, May 15th - After proclaiming the week of May 15 National Police Week (even though John F. Kennedy already proclaimed it back in the 60's), Obama didn't even show up for the event, the first president in 21 years to not show. He must have been doing something super important, right? Well, if you consider hosting the Philadelphia Phillies in the White House (and getting another number 44 jersey) important, then yes. If you don't consider that important, then how about another round of golf? 'Cause he did that too.

Day 27, May 16th - Golf again at Ft. Belvoir. Apparently the day before wasn't enough.

Day 28, May 17th - White House hosts UConn women's basketball team. This time he didn't get a number 44 jersey though. He got a number 1.

Day 29, May 18th - Tours plant in Ohio. Okay, spill is in Louisiana, but I don't know details of this visit. Probably legit.

Day 30, May 19th - Obama hosts elaborate dinner party for Calderon followed by a night of dancing. Middle-class event again, I'm sure. Be sure to note the list of celebrities in attendance.

Day 31, May 20th - Naturally, Obama would meet with musician Bono . . . naturally. Oh, and I'm willing to admit that I really question the reliability of that source, soooo. . .

Day 32, May 21st - Why not hang out with another sports team? The Steelers visit the White House, Obama receives yet another number 44 jersey.

Day 33, May 22nd - Golfing! At Andrews Air Force Base.

Day 34, May 23rd - Obama shoots hoops and discusses basketball with Marv Albert, discusses Lebron James. Meanwhile, oil has reached Ireland.

Day 35, May 24th - Obama hosts Asian American celebration.

Day 36, May 25th - Flies to San Francisco to attend a party hosted by the Getty Oil family and campaigns for Barbara Boxer. He hasn't yet realized that he isn't considered a good endorsement for democratic candidates anymore.

Day 37, May 26th - Day 2 in California where he discusses the economy with Schwarzenegger. In case you forgot, he is the governor of California. In case you forgot, California is drowning in debt. I'm glad these two are talking to each other about the economy.

Day 38, May 27th - Back to the White House in time to host the Duke Blue Devils. Later the U.S. World Cup soccer team would come over. Then he hosts a party for Jewish Americans before loading his family into a helicopter to go on a weekend vacation to Chicago. The article tries to make us feel bad that Obama had to take time out of his vacation to address the spill for a few minutes.

Day 39, May 28th - Spends day in Chicago as part of their vacation, takes a little bit of time out to address the spill (see previous link).

Day 40, May 29th - Obama spends some time at the University of Chicago playing basketball, then an evening BBQ.

Day 41, May 30th - Hitting the gym. The article tells us all of the other unproductive things he did. But, hey, vacation is for relaxing, I s'pose.

Day 42, May 31st - Skips Arlington, but not to tend to a crisis or anything.

Day 43, June 1st - Meets with the president of Peru.

Day 44, June 2nd - Paul McCartney concert at the White House. For the record, I would invite a Beatle into my house over doing work any day of the week.

Day 45, June 3rd - Obama attends Krishna reception.

Day 46, June 4th - Hosts Major League Soccer champs, Salt Lake. This time he didn't get a number 44 jersey, but don't worry, he got a number 10 jersey. Later he would go to Louisiana. To talk about the oil spill crisis? Not sure, but let's hope it at least came up in conversation during his five hour lunch meeting.

Day 47, June 5th - Gives a press statement in the morning, then clears his schedule to give himself personal time. Seriously.

Day 48, June 6th - Attends Kelly Clarkson concert at Ford Theatre. Meanwhile, Biden hosts a BBQ for liberal media, which includes bounce houses and water fights. Seriously, you should click on that link if only to see the pictures and video. No wonder the liberal media like him so much.

Day 49, June 7th - Obama gives speech to Michigan HS. Notice in the opening paragraph of this article, they allude to calling Obama a "celebrity". More on that later.

Day 50, June 8th - White House hosts BBQ for members of Congress. This was about the same time Obama said he needed to know "whose ass to kick" over the oil spill.

Day 53, June 11th - Broadway night! I may have this date mixed up. Stupid, nonetheless.

Day 54, June 12th - Obama compares oil spill to 9/11 because it's "going to shape how we think about the environment and energy for many years to come." Yup, just like 9/11 did.

Day 55, June 13th - How about another round of golf?

Day 56, June 14th - Flies to Mississippi and gets a snow cone.

Day 57, June 15th - Walk on the Florida beach with Charlie Crist to check out oil damage. But it seems like Crist is finding everything on the beach is just peachy.

Day 58, June 16th - 20 min meeting with BP execs.

Day 59, June 17th - Begins his lawsuit against the state of Arizona. (Can you believe AZ would have the nerve to enforce a federal law?)

Day 60, June 18th - Attends White Sox baseball game. Obama witnesses Strasburg set a strikeout record. Everyone else witnesses a jackass in a private suite that their tax dollars are probably paying for.

Day 61, June 19th - Golfing. Apparently this is his 41st time since becoming president.

Day 62, June 20th - Relaxation day (needs to recuperate from 6 hours of golf).

Day 63, June 21st - BBQ at the White House.

Day 64, June 22nd - Hosts gay, lesbian, and transgender party at the White House.

Day 66, June 24th - Obama meets with Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev, but for some reason the only news worth telling about that visit is their trip to local Virginia burger joint.

Day 67, June 25th - Back at G-20.

Day 68, June 26th - Meets with Prime Minister Kan.

Day 70, June 28th - Obama proposes a plan to increase airwaves for mobile internet. I guess he needs to check his emails when he's on the golf course.

Day 71, June 29th - Meeting with a bipartisan group of senators to discuss the passing of energy and climate legislation. By bipartisan, he means a group of 15 democrats, 7 republicans, and Joe Lieberman. Later met with the Hispanic Democratic Congressional caucus for reasons that I couldn't uncover.

Day 72, June 30 - Obama holds a town hall meeting in Racine, Wisconsin to sympathize with their unemployment problem, but not before telling a lame joke. You can be sure that he demonized the republican party during his remarks, including indirect blame placed on George Bush (seriously, read the article, it's like a total GOP bash). Then he had the nerve to say that the economy is on the road to recovery. In a totally unrelated note, June 30, 2010 (this same day) was declared the 3rd largest single day debt increase, almost $166 trillion--larger than the entire annual deficit of 2007. And surprise, the Washington Times tried to blame Bush.

Day 73, July 1 - Obama begins (or rather, continues) his push for Immigration Reform.

Day 75, July 3 - Gives a weekly address about investing in clean energy. A clean gulf is not mentioned.

Day 76, July 4 - Hosts a White House BBQ, and gave a short speech. He made sure to remind everyone that "We celebrate the principles that are timeless, tenets first declared by men of property and wealth but which gave rise to what Lincoln called a new birth of freedom in America." Thank goodness Lincoln fixed the principles put in place by those awful men of property and wealth. Remind me, Barack, how much is your home in Chicago? You can thank capitalism for that.

Day 77, July 5 - Obama unveils his new direction for NASA, which includes ceasing space exploration altogether and instead pursuing a "new beginning of the relationship between the United States and the Muslim world." I didn't realize that was NASA's job . . .

Day 78, July 6 - Meeting with Netanyahu.

Day 80, July 8 - Obama hits the road to campaign for democratic leaders facing the November elections. Including Harry Reid who has been suffering in the polls since healthcare was passed. All things considered, Obama doesn't seem like a good endorsement for Reid.

Day 81, July 9 - Remarks on the economy, indirectly blames Bush, assures that we are on the right track to recovery, same ole, same ole.

Day 82, July 10 - In Italy to meet with the Pope.

Day 83, July 11 - GOLF!

Day 85, July 13 - Obama announces his strategy for fighting HIV/AIDS. No, his strategy did not include "Don't sleep with strangers."

Day 86, July 15th - The leaked is reported as stopped after the U.S. Government gave permission to shut off the valves.

** Okay, okay. I know what some of you are thinking. Let me sum up everything: I realize that I am taking tiny slivers out of Barack's day. I realize that a lot of these articles are biased. But, in my defense, most of them are biased in favor of Obama, I just find them ridiculous still. In fact, I feel like the articles in favor of Obama are the most damning to him, because it's so blatantly obvious that they are leaving out key details. Am I unfair in this blog? Probably. Do I believe that if Obama had visited the gulf more often, the oil spill would be resolved any sooner? No. Although I think that if Obama had accepted the offers to help, it could have been stopped sooner. Maybe I'm one of those radicals who will think that everything Obama does is crap, but I don't believe I am. After all, I did mention some days when he did good things.

Now, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be the president. So much stress, and so many problems to deal with. Traveling around the world would be exhausting enough without then having to deal with political issues. The president deserves the occasional vacation. He needs time to relax, I have no problem with that. But this is obscene. I don't want a president who leads a celebrity lifestyle. Why are Beyonce and Jay Z in the situation room? Why is Michelle buying $6,000 dresses? Why is she taking day trips to shop in Europe? Not to mention the Spain trip that I'm sure you all know about. Why is Barack appearing on talk shows to take pop culture quizzes? For crying out loud, the only thing I heard about during the first month of his presidency was the new dog he got. Those who idolize him don't care about the state of the Union. They care about his personal life and swoon over how articulate and smart he is. Why do we think it's so great that he plays basketball? I love the sport too, but I can't ditch work to play it. And if you're wondering, as of August 4, 2010, he has played golf 43 times. Again, Bush played golf 25 times. . . In 8 years. This is not pro Bush blog, but I'm just wondering: where's the flack for Obama's golfing?

I don't want to make enemies out of my friends who support Obama. I'm capable of being friends with you. But, if you happen to be one of those who still support him, do me a favor: Crawl out of your apparently deep cave, and once your eyes have adjusted to the sun, tell me what it is about him that you think is praiseworthy. And don't tell me that it's because he's smart, and articulate, and personable. Because I already know all of that, and those qualities do not equal a good president. Think in terms of his campaign (hopefully the reason you voted for him) when he promised tax cuts for anyone making under $250,ooo a year. Last I checked, I don't make that much, and instead of a tax cut I got a tax mandate to pay for everyone's healthcare. Do you remember when he said he was going to end the wars? How many troops has he sent out now (I actually agree with that decision, but I can imagine how anyone who voted for him would be a little angry about that.)? I could keep going, but instead, I'll let you point out to me a promise he made during his campaign that he has kept.

This is what happens when I bottle it up. It explodes all at once!

Things that bother me . . . a lot.

If any of you are following the NBA Playoffs this year, you'll know that the predictions in my previous post are busted. It kind of sucks. The Playoffs are like Christmas. There is that initial build up of anticipation, followed by hints and clues as to what you're going to get, and then on Christmas day you either get a package of blank T-shirts or a tricked out XBOX 360. In other words, you're either excited, or completely let down and the only consolation is the phrase "there's always next year". Well, Christmas day hasn't yet arrived in NBA land, but so far it looks like I'm getting either a pair of tube socks or a swift kick in the pants. I don't plan on talking about sports much longer here, so if you're not interested in what I'm about to say, just skip to the next paragraph. For the rest of you, allow me to bore you with this: I wanted the Spurs (my most favoritest team) to win everything. They weren't doing so good this year, so I wasn't expecting much, but they won in the first round, and it gave me some hope for them afterall. Alas, this hope only made it much more bitter when they were eventually eliminated in the second round. My second choice after the Spurs was the Cavs. Eliminated. Third; Nuggets. Eliminated. My fourth choice is anyone but the Lakers, however, I thought that the Cavs and the Nuggets were really the only teams that had a chance of beating the Lakers, but they were eliminated before they even met the Lakers. And now it looks as though the Lakers are headed for a repeat. I'd rather have a root canal without anesthetic than see a repeat. One day I'll explain why I have such severe hatred towards the Lakers, but it's complicated. You know how all my opinions have stipulations and exceptions. I'm weird that way. I will say one thing: I have an uncle who is a Lakers fan, and I think he's great and I don't think anything negative of him at all. But, what's the difference between him and most other Laker fans? He lives in L.A. Moving on.

I've said this before, but I'm sure not many people believe me: I'm not a negative person. I'm really not. But I post about negative things because it's a lot more fun than telling everyone what makes me so happy. So, in order to maintain my facade (imagine a comma attached to the bottom of the "c" and I'm prreetttyyy sure I'm using that word correctly) of negativity, I have made a list of things that really bother me, in no particular order:

-When people end every sentence with an upward tonal inflection so that it sounds like everything they say is a question. You might as well stop talking because I stopped listening.

-Huge sunglasses. And I'm not talking about the ones you get at a novelty gag store, those are hilarious. I'm talking about the ones that are actually considered "high fashion". I remember when I was a kid and my grandma would get ready to go to the grocery store. She would always put a scarf around her purple hair, then put on sunglasses that were half the size of her face. I use to laugh silently to myself, but now it's the style. I think Grandma was on to something.

funny


stupid


yet, also funny (and might I mention that one of the Lakers is married to this woman. 'Nuff said.)

-When people wear their sunglasses inside. (Imma let you finish, Kanye, but you look like a moron.)

-Double negatives. ("Can't get no satisfaction." Good song, bad grammar.)

-When people can't form a sentence without using the F-word. Especially when it doesn't even make sense. I've heard lots of people START every sentence with the F-word. ("What did you do today?" Response: "F-in' I played Candyland with my little sister.", etc. etc)

-In California it is illegal to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a headset. That doesn't bother me, but sometimes people put their phones on speaker and hold the phone up to their mouth to talk into it. Just because it's not against your ear doesn't mean that you are okay to use your phone.

-Loud music and subwoofers in an apartment. Don't these people realize that they share walls with other people? I sound like an old man, I know.

-When people drive straight in a turn only lane.

-Lane changes without using a signal. I'll let you in if you signal, you don't have to push your way in front of me. (I understand why you wouldn't signal in Utah. Because when you signal, the guy in the lane over will speed up just so you can't change lanes.)

-People who complain about bad drivers. Hypocrite, I know, but seriously, everybody's idea of a bad driver is different. Someone once explained to me why he's such a good driver, and everything he said is in my definition of a bad driver.

-Um, Utah drivers. Good and bad drivers alike can agree that it's bad in Utah.

-When I can hear music word for word coming out of a person's headphones. I sound old again.

-The word "hella" or "hecka". I didn't know people actually used these words until I came to California. I'm sorry to admit that I found myself saying it a lot, but then I realized that my IQ dropped at least 10 points every time I said it. (Example for you who are unfamiliar: "I was hella excited to go and spend hecka money on hella clothes. I hecka love Old Navy.")


note that this image is trademarked. It's a sad world we live in.

-When people pronounce "especially" like "ekspecially". Or "ask" like "axe".

-When people use words that are almost right, but not quite right. Words like: irregardless, uncomplete, unrational, unvaluable, unconsiderate. A lot of mixing up "un" and "in". I tried to think of other examples, but you get the picture.

-Protesters. Ekspecially the ones in Berkeley who protest the sun and everything underneath it. And has anyone else noticed that the people who protest regularly are usually the most uninformed?


Funny. And I have my own opinions about Romney. They're not as strong as my opinions about Barack, which is why you've never heard them.


This was a "Free Tibet" protest when the olympics were in China recently. If you don't understand the humor in this picture, check this out. And I'm not condescending (that means talking down to you). I didn't understand the humor until I did some research.

-Pro-choice protestors. It's not people who are pro-choice in general that bug me, that's their prerogative, but the ones who get upset when I CHOOSE life. They aren't pro-choice, they are pro abortion.

-PETA. We both love animals. I just happen to like mine medium rare. But, same as above. If you think that animals should be treated ethically, okay, that's fine. But it seems like the biggest PETA supporters often forget that human lives are more important than animal lives.

-Weird facebook status updates. You know the ones I'm talking about: The vague sentences that are fishing for attention like "Why does it have to be like this? I didn't think it would hurt this bad, but I guess everything happens for a reason. I just wonder how long I'll be suicidal. I'm depressed. Please aks me what's wrong, even though I don't want to talk about it and make it public to all my friends on facebook. I'll tell you every detail, just ask me."

-Twitter. I have an account. It bothers me.

-The excessive use of exclamation points!!! Whenever I see an exclamation point I read it as yelling! And when people add several at the end of a sentence I'm overloaded!!!!! I get e-mails sometimes where every sentence ends with an exclamation point! "How are you! I'm great! I went to the store today! Foot cream was on sale! I also bought milk! Because I'm out!" And people who use multiple exclamation points inevitably add a 1 in there occasionally!!!!1.

-The movie "A Walk to Remember". When I was in high school every girl loved that movie, so I ended up watching it a lot (you know, cause I'm a ladies man), and I thought it was SOOOOOO stupid from day 1.

-People who actually think we can stop the climate from changing.

-Celebrities who think I give a crap about their political views. I like your acting, but that doesn't mean you're smart, and now you've ruined every movie for me that you're in and will be in.

-People who adopt their political views from their favorite celebrities. (Oprah.)

-Bad parking. How hard is it to park your Prius between two lines? We should line both sides of the parking spot with concrete poles. That way, they are forced to park in the lines, and if they don't, the only thing they harm is their own stupid car.


Seriously?

-People who complain about everything.

Let's go Celtics!!!1